Thank You

“You looked hot today, by the way,” he added.

“Thanks?” I sounded unsure of my acceptance, because I didn’t want to accept. At least a half a dozen times over the past few weeks I had asked my husband to actually tell me what he was thinking when he thought it, not after the fact. This was especially meant in relation to compliments. How was I supposed to believe he really meant it? It seemed like an after-thought, an attempt to say at least one nice by the end of the day, a strategic move to manipulate my dissonant emotions. “It’s just that it doesn’t seem sincere when you tell me several hours after you saw me. Why can’t you just look at me, think I look good, and tell me while I’m in front of you?”

“Fine, I won’t compliment you then. Besides, I don’t think it’s a matter of timing. You just have no idea how to take a compliment,” he added.

“It’s true,” I thought, “I don’t.”

When a friend or student or colleague pays me a compliment on my hair or clothes or performance, my immediate and unconscious response is to negate what they have said by explaining how what they said is in fact false, or smiling weakly and offering an uncomfortable mumble, or ignoring the comment altogether. I know as women, we are conditioned to avoid arrogance by being humble and gracious, but for some reason graciousness = self deprecation.  But why? As mentioned in several posts, I have spent the better part of my life yearning for outside affirmations, yet when I get them in the form of compliments I immediately reject them as false flattery.

For example, on Friday, I stopped into my principal’s office to discuss a situation with a student. As I peeked around the corner of his door, he smiled and made a kind remark about my hair do. I quickly explained I had woken up late and actually not done my hair and had clipped it up wet and it had dried like that and it was actually a mess and not a good hair day at all and … he quickly cut me off and prompted, “Why, thank you for saying so,” smiling and nodding, as a mother might lovingly instruct her child in proper etiquette. Embarrassed, I parroted his words.

When I do not politely accept someone’s affirmations I am sending several possible destructive messages: 1) I believe they are wrong, blind, ignorant, or liars, 2) I have such self loathing that I cannot accept anything positive directed toward me, or 3) I want to appear modest, so I go to disparaging lengths to act humble. When I reframe my negative responses as eliciting those possible reactions, I feel heartsick. While to some degree these messages may be true (depending on the person, the compliment, the day, or the time of the month) none of them speaks the truth of who I am or how I feel.

I remember about ten years ago, paying a compliment to my friend Lisa. She smiled modestly and said, “Well, thank you; you’re so nice to say so.” And that was it! I was dumb-founded. Before that I could not recall a time when someone sincerely and graciously accepted a compliment, and I was positive I never had. I didn’t presume she was arrogant or that her head was going to explode from the acceptance of my words. That moment has stuck with me since, and I have tried to be more confirming of other people’s opinions, even in regards to myself. But that’s easier said than done, and lately I see myself as an ugly, frumpy, flabby, wrinkling, graying, tired, stressed, and sad middle-aged woman. Through my own self-destructive decisions, negative self image, and the disparaging behavior and words of others, I have slipped into a pit of despair, from which I could use a couple of good, honest, and kind friends to pull me out. “When we have hardened and withdrawn into ourselves, as we all do at times, we desperately need to encounter other beings on a fairly regular basis whose regard for us or for others softens us again (Warner, 2001, p.152). So, my friends, I hear your words and they are helping to soften the wall I keep banging my head against.

And for that, with a grateful heart, I say thank you for taking the time to read my blog, for your generous compliments, and for your encouraging comments. You are so nice to say so.