Transformation

It’s not a stretch to say that Maxwell Maltz is the forefather of the self-help phenomenon. In 1960, he wrote Psycho-Cybernetics, where he discussed the mind-body connection and the attainment of goals. As a plastic surgeon, Maltz noticed that it took 21 days for amputees to stop feeling phantom pains and sensations from their missing limb. Eventually, he discovered this 21-day time frame was crucial for the brain to begin accepting new information and create new neuroconnections, the same process and time frame important for us to accept change (or at least to stop resisting change) in our lives ("Change of Habit").

If it takes 21 consecutive days for our brains to stop resisting change, how long does it take to actually effect change in our lives? According to several self-help websites, it takes 40 days to change a bad behavior, habit, or attitude into a good one (or to start a new behavior altogether), 90 days for that positive or new behavior to become a pattern in your life, 120 days for the behavior to become synonymous with who you are, and 1,000 days to master and refine this behavior (“Change of Habit”).

I think getting past the first 21 days is often the hardest. If someone truly wants to make a change in her life, she has several choices: resist the change, force the change, or “… get out the way” (tips her hat to Ludacris) because change is acomin’, like it or not.

I find it funny (sad and strange funny, not knee-slapping funny) that so many of us have desired change in our lives and almost pretended to try, for a few days, even a couple of weeks, but the inconsistency and lack of determination became symptoms of resistance. According to a popular yoga website, some of the signs of resistance are: “Complaining, gossiping, over-sleeping, an increase in bad habits like watching TV for too long or drinking alcohol, blaming, repeating the same conversations or story, recurring mistakes, use of generalized words like 'always' or 'never', and drama” (“Resist-change”).

I have made major changes in my life recently, some of which I have done well to make it past the 21 days, and others for which I have had to reset the 21-day clock multiple times. Despite the slippage, the phrase, “two steps forward, one step back” points out I am making progress … one step at a time.

One thing I have noticed, during the 21 days phase, is the initial enthusiasm (for most of the changes) provided the momentum to start. For other changes, I was dreading the process and. instead of enthusiasm. I had anger and frustration; however, this emotional energy also provided momentum.

When I was young, our half acre garden consisted entirely of rows and rows of corn (have you seen Children of  the Corn? Yeah, another story for another day). Every few days, my dad would wake us girls fairly early, as to avoid the summer heat, and tell us to “Get out there and hoe a row.” Begrudgingly, I would drag my sleepy body to the yellow shed out back, and grab a garden hoe. By the time I had finished yawning, the frustration had set in. Why can’t I sleep a few more hours? It’s summertime! Why do I have to work in the garden? I don’t even like corn! Ugh! I didn’t even want this stupid garden anyway! If he wants it, he should weed it! The diatribe flooded my mind like the muddy water rushing down the irrigation ditch alongside the field. By the time I found my way to my “row” I as fuming. Shaped out of selfishness and fostered by immaturity, my anger fueled my body, making me much faster at completing the chore. Even 20 years later, that same negative emotion has the powerful potential to propel me toward the end of whatever “row” I may have to “hoe.”

While getting past the resistance phase is important, the most rewarding phase is making it to the end of 40 days. The 40 days speaks success to me for several reasons, not simply because it is nearly double the initial 21 days, but because 40 is such a spiritually significant number.

There is instance after instance in the Bible where God provides opportunity for important changes in His people during a 40-day period (or 40 years, if they don’t quite get it, cough, the Israelites, cough).

When I think about Noah and the cleansing process during the 40 days and nights of rain (Gen 7:12), I think about my own life and the cleansing process I am going through as I implement changes during these 40 days.

When I think about Noah waiting 40 days to open the window of the Ark (Gen 8:6), I think of the figurative windows in my life that will be opened through this 40 day process.

When I think of the Egyptian embalming ritual, which takes 40 days to prepare the body for the afterlife (Gen 50:3), I think of these 40 days as preparation for my new life.

When I think of Moses on the mountain with God for 40 days (Exo 24:18, Exo 34:28-29, Deu 10:10), I think of myself praying, reading my scriptures, and communing with God during these 40 days, hopefully to come down from my mountain with more knowledge and peace.

When I think of Jonah warning the people of Nineveh they had 40 days to repent and be spared (Jonah 3:4 and 10), I think of myself repenting of my many flaws and making changes so that God will spare me and my family further sadness or pain.

And, when I think of Christ fasting for 40 days in the wilderness, while enduring Satan’s repeated temptations (Mat 3:17, Mat 4:1-2), I think of the temptations I have and will have to face during this process of giving up my bad habits, and the peace I will find because of 40 days of unwavering obedience.

As many of us are starting 2011 with New Year’s Resolutions, trying to break bad habits, begin new habits, or change our lives in some way, I want to challenge you (and myself) to do whatever it takes to make it through 21 consecutive days. Once we make it through the resisting phase, we can reset the goal to make it another 19 days to hit the 40 day mark, and by so doing we will find we have begun to transform our lives.

Websites Referenced:
http://www.kalavati.org/change-of-habit.html
http://www.kalavati.org/resist-change.html

Response to Comments on "Change IS Possible"

In an attempt to respond to comments on the blog, comments on Facebook, verbal comments, and emails, I hope to occasionally break up my lengthy posts with a short reply to a few of you.

@Sarah
"Change is a good thing but there comes a point when you need to embrace the changes you've made and be happy. Some people are constantly changing themselves and they never stop to see who they have become."

Being a neurotic perfectionist, I doubt I will ever be able to just relax and stop trying to change (or in my mind, to be better than I was before). There is something about complacency and satisfaction that scares me. I'm not saying I'm right to be afraid, I'm just explaining my mode of thinking. Here's how it works in my mind: If this life is a journey, and I stop to smell the roses for too long or get a little too comfortable in my current state, I will be left behind. I'm not sure by whom or what, but this is how my crazy brain operates. Surely, as I said in the "Change IS Possible" post, change comes, regardless if we want it to or not. Perhaps, my working to create the change myself is just another manifestation of my control freakishness. Undoubtedly, there has to be a balance between striving to do better each day and celebrating accomplishments. I think keeping this blog (my public journal, of sorts), will be a good way for me to "stop to see who I am becoming" (I don't think we see who we've "become" until "becoming" is over). Over time, I hope there will be a progression of topics, attitude, and emotions, which will reflect my achievement of personal goals. In fact, I'd like to take a second to see who I am becoming, and celebrate a few personal changes I have made and goals I have achieved over the last few months:

• I have read from the scriptures with my children nearly every day for going on 10 weeks.
• I have had family prayer with my children nearly every day for nearly 12 weeks.
• In the last three months, I have missed holding an actual Family Home Evening lesson with my children only once (due to Parent Teacher Conferences).
• I have joined the choir at my church, along with my two oldest children. (This is something I remember doing with my father, one of the few things that allowed me to actually spend time with him, and something I love to do, but previously had not felt I was able to without taking more time away from my family.)
• I have not cried at all today ... yet (mostly because I was too busy singing, cleaning, and rearranging furniture).
• I enjoyed a root beer float, after eating the family dinner staple, a bean burrito (or bean burro, as we called them growing up).

@Scott
"The mistake most people make is that they equate 'perfection' with 'the best that I can.' That's an incorrect assumption. ... When I have a realization of what I want to change and how to do it, I write down right then *WHY* I want to effect that change. Then, in times of wavering commitment, I pull out that sheet. I then review it, and it revives a lot of the motivation."

I absolutely LOVE this idea. As a homework assignment from my therapist, I wrote out a personal mission statement (props to Stephen Covey). My statement ended up being two pages describing the person I am (deep, deep, deep down in some instances) or the person I want to be. Next, I listed the goals which will help me realize those attitudes and behaviors. I believe the step of writing down the "why" for each component of my personal mission statement will be crucial to my maintaining the changes I am making. I'm assigning myself this homework, due ASAP!

Gilbert_Sundevil
"we need to do our best to enjoy life while we are working on becoming our better selves. It's a tough challenge to walk the line of self awareness of our faults without falling into beating ourselves up. But if we dwell to much (or with too much harshness) on our faults, we will be miserable for the rest of our lives. So, here's to enjoying yourself where you are, warts and all."

There are definitely personality traits, maybe even warts, which I enjoy about myself, maybe even feel grateful I have. For example, to some, my lack of maturity and quirky sense of humor may be annoying and obnoxious, but it provides me (and my children and students and a few understanding friends) with hours of entertainment. However, there are faults which I absolutely hate about myself, because they are self-destructive and cause not only me but others pain. For years, I have wished I could take a melon baller and just scoop those craptacular qualities out, toss them aside, forget they exist. But then I'd be left with pits and pock marks. Rather, I should be working to make my weaknesses my strengths; instead of removing them, I should be transforming them.

In The Continuous Atonement (2009), Brad Wilcox gives a powerful analogy of repentance, which I think can also apply to our strengthening ourselves where we are weak, fortifying ourselves where we are flawed. He talks about the beauty of marble stone, saying, "What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty" (p.193-194).

This passage reminded me of one of my many favorite quotes: "Life is a grindstone and whether it grinds a man down or polishes him up depends on the stuff he's made of." Lately, I feel like I'm made of marshmallows and corn chips. However, I know that under that mushy, crumbling exterior stands a strong woman.

So, here's to being grateful for my "warts and all" (though, I prefer Wilcox's "dark veins," since warts are not so easy to polish). I'm not sure I'm ready to enjoy them yet, but I can definitely be grateful for the learning and growth I have done and am doing because of them.