Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

"Brene Brown studies human connection -- our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity."

Of Infinite Worth

I was recently asked by a friend why women, specifically women of my faith, seem to have such a horrible self esteem. Especially when, throughout our teen years, active female members of my church recite a weekly “theme,” which includes stating our divine heritage and the values we embrace: “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us …” We sing songs with phrases that reiterate this inherent worth: “I am a child of God,” “For I am of worth, of infinite worth,” “My nature is divine,” etc. However, as my friend pointed out, many faithful women seem to be depressed or decidedly dysfunctional when it comes to actually believing they are of worth.

This got me thinking. Living in Utah, there are a couple of facts, which people erroneously link as causal chains. Fact: Utah has the highest per capita use of anti-depressants in the U.S. and primarily those prescriptions are written to women. Fact: Utah has the highest population of Latter-Day Saints in the nation.

Now, I have heard, and even passed on, the logical fallacy that Mormons, specifically Mormon women, are more depressed than their non-LDS counterparts. This hasty generalization was one I actually bought into. Being an LDS woman in Utah, I have witnessed a number of my friends and relatives use anti-depressants at different times in their lives. I personally have never taken them. I don’t really believe in them for me, at least not at this point.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all “Tom Cruise” and say that “it’s all in your head.” Especially after reading The Female Brain (2006) and The Male Brain (2010) (and you all understand what I mean when I say “reading” … if not, check out my post “Taking the First Step”), I know there are chemical issues brewing in the brain that are completely out of a person’s control. I also believe there are times and circumstances in a person’s life that warrant the extra “life vest” to keep her from drowning.

I may have suffered (or am currently suffering) from both issues, however I have chosen to not take medication for the same reason I choose to not fester in anger. Taking medication is a very personal choice. I am no doctor (though my husband tells me I think I’m one), so I do not recommend you forgoing or ceasing medical treatment. And for those who use anti-depressants to help with anxiety, OCD-related tendencies, or chronic illness, more power to you and thank God for modern medicine!

For me, anger and anti-depressants are the same as alcohol. They are emotion numbing; they divert a person from actually dealing with life. When you stop being angry, stop using anti-depressants, or stop drinking alcohol (or any other numbing behavior), the real, raw, authentic emotion is still there, just waiting to be dealt with. The life situation may be over, but the working through it still must be done. I’d rather deal with it now; take my lumps as they come, rather than wait for months, prolonging the pain I will eventually and undoubtedly feel.

So, if this correlation isn’t causal, what can explain it? I’m no scientist, but I have a few theories (some of which I have borrowed from friends and colleagues). First, it’s important to look at another set of facts which could explain the high incidence of anti-depressant use in Utah. Fact: Utah has one of the lowest unemployment rates in the nation. Fact: Utah has one of the highest education rates in the nation. So what? Well, with education come increased employment opportunities. Better employment often includes enhanced insurance benefits. People who are insured are more likely to seek medical attention, even mental health providers. Along with this increased education also comes an awareness of the symptoms of depression and a willingness to seek help. Fact: Additionally, among practicing Latter-Day Saints, there is a lack of alcohol or illegal substance use or abuse; both of which may be used by people in neighboring states for self-medicating purposes.  It’s also interesting to point out that the states ranked just below Utah for anti-depressant use were Oregon and Maine, neither of which have the high concentration of LDS members, such as can be found in Arizona or Idaho.

Okay, so are we talking urban legend stuff here? If there is no direct connection between depression and being a woman in the LDS faith, what is the answer to my friend’s question?

I have a couple of ideas (more like germinating seeds of ideas, with barely a sprout showing, so take them for what they’re worth).

In the LDS culture, we have our own urban legends, which are passed down from Sunday School teacher, to Young Women adviser, to Primary teacher, to Relief Society teacher, like folk tales around the camp fire. One in particular, which I think perpetuates LDS women feeling extreme pressure to be perfect is this: “Men are given the priesthood so they can actually be as good as women. Women don’t need the priesthood, because they are already so amazing.” Frankly, I think this was made up by some stupid man, trying to make women feel better about not being priesthood holders (a responsibility I am actually grateful to forego). However, what he successfully accomplished was making LDS women neurotically obsessed with having to be amazing, as if we didn’t put enough pressure on ourselves already. Suddenly, this obsession becomes a little too real when you look around the room and think you might actually be surrounded by a bunch of Stepford wives!

That fear quickly dissolves once you take the time to get to know any of these women personally. Each has their own pain, their own insecurities, their own troubled relationships, their own flaws, their own dark moments, their own trials of faith … they are not so different from me or from you.

In this same vein, I remember receiving (and giving) many a lesson about chastity, where it was my responsibility as a young LDS woman to keep chaste any young man I dated. The subliminal message (or sometimes spoken message) was that young men could not be expected or required to control their sexual urges. Instead, young women, who were erroneously purported to have ultimate control over their own urges and over young men, were put under intense pressure to ensure both parties stayed virtuous. Can you say, “Pre-ssure?”

This attitude was again reflected in personal interviews with church leadership, in order to obtain entrance into the church’s most sacred place of worship: the temple. I recall teasing the boys my age about them being asked by the church leader if they masturbated (an activity that is discouraged if one is to maintain personal virtue). However, not once was I ever asked if I masturbated. I think the assumption was (and you know what they say about assuming) girls do not have morality issues such as this. Again, the supposition that women are inherently moral placed increased pressure on us to be perfect or worse even, to feel absolutely abominable if we had succumbed to any of these temptations.  

Another church practice and cultural attitude, is the keeping personal instances of sin private. “Do not share past transgressions.” Wasn’t every full-time missionary taught that? I’m not saying I don’t agree with that policy. There is wisdom in this advice that protects both the party who is repenting and those who are watching for weaknesses. Neither person can benefit in a public flogging or scarlet branding, where there isn’t proper humility and repentance and unconditional forgiveness and support. However, what happens, then, is new converts or innocent youths believe that everyone in the church is perfect and those who are not perfect are not in the church. (Maybe I’m the only one who thought this.) The shame and devastation that comes when this new convert or youth slips up is near tragic … how can they ever feel good about themselves again, when they are surrounded by everyone else who is perfect and never made mistakes?

Again, that shame and loneliness quickly dissolves once you learn just how many of your friends and family members have suffered in similar ways and found their way back into full fellowship. But those conversations are guarded, often shared only to help someone find hope when they are about to dive over the edge of despair.

Perhaps there is also some wisdom to the Mennonite practice of announcing one’s flaws or sins over the pulpit and publicly asking for forgiveness, but I am not so sure the members of the LDS faith are as forgiving as a whole as their Mennonite friends. We are taught not to judge others, but we do, and then we judge ourselves even more harshly.

I think that realizing that no one is perfect (and for a perfectionist, that is a hard concept to internalize) is the first step to accepting and loving yourself; and a baby step toward fostering a positive self esteem.

The next, and most important step, is to create self worth, by living worthy of the self (that is, not betraying oneself). A friend discussed with me this realization, “I complimented and praised my children, trying to build their self esteem. But I realized, I cannot give my child her self esteem. She has to earn it.” To earn self worth, a person has to realize she is capable of making her own decisions, has power over her own life, and able to solve problems for herself.

Powerlessness and victimhood (perceived or real) are the most devastating destroyers of self esteem. Perhaps, in the masculine LDS culture, we are raising women to play the victim role or perform exact obedience to inappropriate priesthood authority, specifically to their husbands. The church doctrine does not teach these practices, as I have heard many talks by church leaders on the concept of “unrighteous dominion” and the punishment that awaits the man who does so. Sadly, there are still many LDS women, who cleave to their husband despite cruelty and abuse (powerlessness and victimhood). And, ironically, there are many more LDS women, who follow their husband in a self-sacrificing and begrudging attitude, all in the name of his authority (perceived powerlessness and perceived victimhood).

Before I scare all of my LDS friends and have them running away screaming, “Blasphemer!” I want to be clear, I am not a Mormon feminist (not that there’s anything wrong with being one, I’m just much too apathetic to join a cause). Nor am I angry or disillusioned by the Mormon culture to which I belong; I actually find it to be fascinating and at times humorous. Rather, I am an introspective, deep-thinking woman who, while I am imperfect in my practice, believes strongly in the gospel of Christ and the doctrine taught in my religion (which most Mormon feminists do, by the way).  And, because a friend asked, I am trying to make sense of my own self esteem issues from my religious perspective and upbringing.

Please feel free to share your ideas on the topic, as well as point out any flaws in my theories or fallacies in my logic.

For further information on anti-depressant use in Utah: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/640196840/Why-high-antidepressant-use-in-Utah.html?pg=2

For further information on building self esteem in children: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2008/05/you-cant-give-your-children-self-esteem.html

For further information on Mormon feminism:

http://www.ldswave.org/

For further information on the LDS perspective on chastity:
http://lds.org/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth-fulfilling-our-duty-to-god/sexual-purity?lang=eng

Response to Comments on "Facebook and the Facade"

In an attempt to respond to comments on the blog, comments on Facebook, verbal comments, and emails, I hope to occasionally break up my lengthy posts with a short reply to a few of you.



@Gilbert_Sundevil
“This post was a bit jarring (sp?) for me and has happened one or two other times with my friends from my youth. My understanding or appreciation of their worth is so completely different than their own vision of their self-worth that it seems as if we would describe two completely different people.”

First, jarring is spelled correctly. Good job! A+

Second, we have been friends for a very long time, perhaps since Kindergarten. I still remember Ben’s birthday party, where I was the only girl and I towered a head taller than all of you. Now, all of you are at least the same height, if not a head-plus taller than I. And just as we all have grown and changed over the years, my perception of myself has also grown and changed. Perhaps the vision of my self-worth has become clouded over the years. Perhaps the self-assuredness I exhibited previously (and currently) was merely an over-compensation for my lack of self esteem. Pretending to not care what others thought about me was a way to numb myself during the painful teen years of a developing identity. For example, I can with confidence say you were my best friend during our senior year. However, I struggled the entire year with the belief that your family did not like me. I hurt because you were in love with a girl who barely spoke to you. I guarded my insecurity from you, because I did not feel worth-y of your unconditional friendship. That is not to say I didn’t or don’t believe I am of worth, I just believe that if others really knew me (and not the pretend me) they wouldn’t think I am of worth. More directly, I don’t believe the people I want to think I am of worth do. I am working on focusing on those people whose opinions should carry the most weight: My God, my children, my self.

Even as I sat typing this, a colleague and close friend delivered a box to me. Inside the tin were letters, notes, and cards from various friends, family, former and current students, and colleagues. I just spent the last half hour crying, as I read and re-read these kind messages of love, hope, friendship, support, and faith. I am humbled and so very blessed.


@Anonymous
“Love the writing and reading into some of your thoughts. Facebook is fun, but it's not everything. ... Go back to your YW's Theme. All of the value's apply to you now as an adult married woman and mother, just as they did when you were a teenager. (Just a couple of years ago, right)”

Thank you for reading. Facebook definitely is not everything … rather I use Facebook to illustrate a microcosm of my life and way of thinking.

Funny you should mention the Young Women’s Theme. I am currently working on a post that will address this concept. Actually, it was just a year ago (not two) that I was in the YW’s … serving, that is. During the 18 years (yep, folks, do the math) of being “graduated” from the YW’s, I have served in some capacity in the program as a leader for a total of 13 years! It seems I am meant to work with teens in all aspects of my life. It is my “density.”


@Ben
“You say you seek the ‘Holy Grail’ of who you are or who you want to be, but that is a goal that is unrealistic and unattainable.”

I couldn’t agree more! Which is why the term “Holy Grail” seems especially fitting to me. For centuries, many have sought the Holy Grail, the cup which held Christ’s blood from the crucifixion, never to actually find the relic. Likewise, many (including myself) have journeyed in search of self-discovery, never to fully reach a final destination, but rather to realize it is through the voyage in which we are formed.

I don’t expect to wake up one day, look myself in the mirror, and say, “There she is!” This continuous process of defining and refining will undoubtedly last until death (which, based on my genetics and lifestyle is likely to be around 90). I hope it is at that point, as well as throughout the journey, I can look at the road I have traveled, and the direction I am headed, and feel confident that I am on the “right” path for me, even a path of peace and joy.