Yoo hoo? Is there anybody there?

I know there are many of you who check back with my blog regularly and I think I am not only letting you down, but I have let myself down the last couple of weeks by not just pushing through. I’m not saying I feel pressure to write because I know you read, but your public and private comments have helped me not feel so alone. The process of reading and writing is therapeutic for me, but the dialogue (and even debate) that ensues stretches my understanding.

Sometimes (only sometimes) I wish I felt safe to explain my current life situations on this blog and sometimes I am grateful I have kept things fairly vague. I am also grateful to those of you who know me personally and haven’t pushed or pried.

That said, within days of my last post, my personal fears found footing in reality. Because of this, as with any type of tragedy, I have gone through many of the stages of grief … some of which I have repeated multiple times in the past weeks and over the last six months; some I have barely skimmed through and others I seem to be stuck in:  

1.      Shock & Denial

2.      Pain & Guilt

3.      Anger & Bargaining

4.      Depression, Reflection, Loneliness

5.      The Upward Turn

6.      Reconstruction & Working Through

7.      Acceptance & Hope

I am sure the last three stages will eventually come, but as for now they seem a long, impossible way off.

Knowing I’m not the only person in my world who is struggling, I scheduled to take my boys to the Center for Grieving Children. They have been showing signs of the stress: crying more, blowing up with anger, saying their tummy is doing flip-flops, begging to sleep with me, praying that, “We can have a good day tomorrow, that no one will be sad, that everyone will be happy, and that no one will be sad. Amen.”

Last week was their intake interview and tour of the facility. On our way, they moaned and groaned and said they didn’t want to go. I tried to reassure them it would be okay—that we could just check it out and see what we thought. They were skeptical, at best. After they quickly bonded with the counselor and played in the game room, they didn’t want to leave. Since that introduction, they have each asked multiple times (usually when they were having a hard day or they saw one of their brothers struggling emotionally), “When are we going back to the place that helps kids be happy? Can we go today?” While I nearly burst into tears at hearing them say this, I feel immense gratitude that such a place exists.

Emotions ran high tonight as we drove to the center. None of knew what to expect of an actual group session. On one hand, it is devastating to see the other children there who are suffering, some from circumstances much more tragic than we could imagine. On the other hand, for my boys to realize there are other kids out there, who are also feeling sad or who may be going through similar situations, is a huge blessing of comfort. I felt nervous and hoped it would be an answer to many prayers. Undoubtedly, the wonder and worry from the boys stirred their emotions to the point they were bouncing nervously, fighting, yelling, and crying nearly the entire drive there.

By the time we were in the parking lot, my middle son wouldn’t move from his seat in the car—upset about being punched by his brother. My oldest, looking forward to making new friends, was eager to start chit-chatting with other kids and the volunteers. My youngest had finally calmed down and was even willing to apologize for hitting his brother. I wondered if the roller coaster of emotions would level out and the boys would be receptive to the activities and discussions conducted by the center volunteers.

Within minutes, in walked another family, kids upset and crying. I realized how normal my boys were reacting. I also realized we were in the right place.

In addition to all of this, the same week as my last blog post, my therapist gave me the proverbial shove from the nest, telling me it was essentially time to fly … solo. He had tried to do this a couple of months prior, and I hadn’t handled the news very well. By his third attempt, I accepted my fate. The funny thing with therapy is I think many of us have the opinion that you go until you fix what’s wrong, you go until you “get better.” My therapist pointed out that all of us could benefit from therapy and that any of us have enough issues that we could spend our entire lives in counseling. He’s right. And, some people like me have a surplus of issues that weekly counseling appointments weren’t enough … I also had to blog. Honestly, I began the blog knowing full well that he was going to eventually cut me loose—I had to find an outlet and process that could be long-term. I suppose it’s a little like self-medicating. Self-counseling, anyone? (My new saying, “Just blog it out, blog … it … out.”)

So, my life is in the crapper, I’m on the verge of losing my home, my therapist broke up with me, and with the compounded stress I have been suffering from some medical-related issues. But those weren’t the reasons I hadn’t been able to blog. The real reason is because I have been working three jobs, one of which has been a step toward fulfilling a life-long dream: being paid to write.

The thing is, amid all of my personal struggles, I have been blessed with some of the most amazing experiences, people, and opportunities of my life. Currently, I am working (nights and weekends) doing freelance copywriting for a local big name book publishing/distributing company. This has been a humbling, inebriating, and rewarding experience. Unfortunately, it has taken much of the “spare” time I used to have to read and write things I wanted to, and now I am reading for research and writing for pay. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. Like I said, this is a dream come true!

Additionally, the sitcom treatment and pilot my brother, sister, and I had written is getting serious attention and we are finalizing paperwork to procure a large monetary investment to film a teaser. Even as I type that, I think I should probably delete it and leave it left unsaid for fear of jinxing the project. Instead, I’m going to put it out to the blog universe and ask friends and family to send lots of positive thoughts and prayers to help us realize this dream (which is really just a version of my previously mentioned dream—getting paid for my writing).

Looking for the silver lining is something I have always struggled with and have been trying to practice daily. It is a skill I would like my own sons to develop, as well. Sunday morning, I lay in bed snuggling with my middle child. Hoping to check his barometer, I asked him, “How is life?”

“A little good,” he said, seeming a bit melancholy.

“Just a little good? Why only a little good?” I probed.

He proceeded to announce the reason life for our family has been more difficult than usual. I knew it was coming. I wondered what my new friend would say in this situation to her son. She has been an inspiration to me and I feel stronger each time I talk to her. (I need to make a WWTD ring.)

“What?” I feigned surprise, “You mean you can only tell me one thing that’s wrong in your life and that’s what’s making your life only a little good and keeping your life from being great?!” (Yes, I felt like a hypocrite telling him this—I was giving myself the talk, more than I was giving it to him.) “Let’s name all of the things that are great in your life right now!” For the next few minutes we came up with nearly thirty different reasons life is more than just a little good, it is great! As we did, the smile on his lips grew wider, his eyes brighter, and he hugged me and said, “Let’s go make French toast.” I’m not sure what French toast has to do with it, but we hadn’t made a good, hot, homemade breakfast for awhile. It was time.

So, here I sit, staring at my laptop, the upcoming blog post about Boundaries still in its skeletal form. I guess it can wait a little longer. Besides, I’ve got research to do for some television and radio ads I have been commissioned to write. Oh darn.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

"Brene Brown studies human connection -- our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity."

Of Infinite Worth

I was recently asked by a friend why women, specifically women of my faith, seem to have such a horrible self esteem. Especially when, throughout our teen years, active female members of my church recite a weekly “theme,” which includes stating our divine heritage and the values we embrace: “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us …” We sing songs with phrases that reiterate this inherent worth: “I am a child of God,” “For I am of worth, of infinite worth,” “My nature is divine,” etc. However, as my friend pointed out, many faithful women seem to be depressed or decidedly dysfunctional when it comes to actually believing they are of worth.

This got me thinking. Living in Utah, there are a couple of facts, which people erroneously link as causal chains. Fact: Utah has the highest per capita use of anti-depressants in the U.S. and primarily those prescriptions are written to women. Fact: Utah has the highest population of Latter-Day Saints in the nation.

Now, I have heard, and even passed on, the logical fallacy that Mormons, specifically Mormon women, are more depressed than their non-LDS counterparts. This hasty generalization was one I actually bought into. Being an LDS woman in Utah, I have witnessed a number of my friends and relatives use anti-depressants at different times in their lives. I personally have never taken them. I don’t really believe in them for me, at least not at this point.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all “Tom Cruise” and say that “it’s all in your head.” Especially after reading The Female Brain (2006) and The Male Brain (2010) (and you all understand what I mean when I say “reading” … if not, check out my post “Taking the First Step”), I know there are chemical issues brewing in the brain that are completely out of a person’s control. I also believe there are times and circumstances in a person’s life that warrant the extra “life vest” to keep her from drowning.

I may have suffered (or am currently suffering) from both issues, however I have chosen to not take medication for the same reason I choose to not fester in anger. Taking medication is a very personal choice. I am no doctor (though my husband tells me I think I’m one), so I do not recommend you forgoing or ceasing medical treatment. And for those who use anti-depressants to help with anxiety, OCD-related tendencies, or chronic illness, more power to you and thank God for modern medicine!

For me, anger and anti-depressants are the same as alcohol. They are emotion numbing; they divert a person from actually dealing with life. When you stop being angry, stop using anti-depressants, or stop drinking alcohol (or any other numbing behavior), the real, raw, authentic emotion is still there, just waiting to be dealt with. The life situation may be over, but the working through it still must be done. I’d rather deal with it now; take my lumps as they come, rather than wait for months, prolonging the pain I will eventually and undoubtedly feel.

So, if this correlation isn’t causal, what can explain it? I’m no scientist, but I have a few theories (some of which I have borrowed from friends and colleagues). First, it’s important to look at another set of facts which could explain the high incidence of anti-depressant use in Utah. Fact: Utah has one of the lowest unemployment rates in the nation. Fact: Utah has one of the highest education rates in the nation. So what? Well, with education come increased employment opportunities. Better employment often includes enhanced insurance benefits. People who are insured are more likely to seek medical attention, even mental health providers. Along with this increased education also comes an awareness of the symptoms of depression and a willingness to seek help. Fact: Additionally, among practicing Latter-Day Saints, there is a lack of alcohol or illegal substance use or abuse; both of which may be used by people in neighboring states for self-medicating purposes.  It’s also interesting to point out that the states ranked just below Utah for anti-depressant use were Oregon and Maine, neither of which have the high concentration of LDS members, such as can be found in Arizona or Idaho.

Okay, so are we talking urban legend stuff here? If there is no direct connection between depression and being a woman in the LDS faith, what is the answer to my friend’s question?

I have a couple of ideas (more like germinating seeds of ideas, with barely a sprout showing, so take them for what they’re worth).

In the LDS culture, we have our own urban legends, which are passed down from Sunday School teacher, to Young Women adviser, to Primary teacher, to Relief Society teacher, like folk tales around the camp fire. One in particular, which I think perpetuates LDS women feeling extreme pressure to be perfect is this: “Men are given the priesthood so they can actually be as good as women. Women don’t need the priesthood, because they are already so amazing.” Frankly, I think this was made up by some stupid man, trying to make women feel better about not being priesthood holders (a responsibility I am actually grateful to forego). However, what he successfully accomplished was making LDS women neurotically obsessed with having to be amazing, as if we didn’t put enough pressure on ourselves already. Suddenly, this obsession becomes a little too real when you look around the room and think you might actually be surrounded by a bunch of Stepford wives!

That fear quickly dissolves once you take the time to get to know any of these women personally. Each has their own pain, their own insecurities, their own troubled relationships, their own flaws, their own dark moments, their own trials of faith … they are not so different from me or from you.

In this same vein, I remember receiving (and giving) many a lesson about chastity, where it was my responsibility as a young LDS woman to keep chaste any young man I dated. The subliminal message (or sometimes spoken message) was that young men could not be expected or required to control their sexual urges. Instead, young women, who were erroneously purported to have ultimate control over their own urges and over young men, were put under intense pressure to ensure both parties stayed virtuous. Can you say, “Pre-ssure?”

This attitude was again reflected in personal interviews with church leadership, in order to obtain entrance into the church’s most sacred place of worship: the temple. I recall teasing the boys my age about them being asked by the church leader if they masturbated (an activity that is discouraged if one is to maintain personal virtue). However, not once was I ever asked if I masturbated. I think the assumption was (and you know what they say about assuming) girls do not have morality issues such as this. Again, the supposition that women are inherently moral placed increased pressure on us to be perfect or worse even, to feel absolutely abominable if we had succumbed to any of these temptations.  

Another church practice and cultural attitude, is the keeping personal instances of sin private. “Do not share past transgressions.” Wasn’t every full-time missionary taught that? I’m not saying I don’t agree with that policy. There is wisdom in this advice that protects both the party who is repenting and those who are watching for weaknesses. Neither person can benefit in a public flogging or scarlet branding, where there isn’t proper humility and repentance and unconditional forgiveness and support. However, what happens, then, is new converts or innocent youths believe that everyone in the church is perfect and those who are not perfect are not in the church. (Maybe I’m the only one who thought this.) The shame and devastation that comes when this new convert or youth slips up is near tragic … how can they ever feel good about themselves again, when they are surrounded by everyone else who is perfect and never made mistakes?

Again, that shame and loneliness quickly dissolves once you learn just how many of your friends and family members have suffered in similar ways and found their way back into full fellowship. But those conversations are guarded, often shared only to help someone find hope when they are about to dive over the edge of despair.

Perhaps there is also some wisdom to the Mennonite practice of announcing one’s flaws or sins over the pulpit and publicly asking for forgiveness, but I am not so sure the members of the LDS faith are as forgiving as a whole as their Mennonite friends. We are taught not to judge others, but we do, and then we judge ourselves even more harshly.

I think that realizing that no one is perfect (and for a perfectionist, that is a hard concept to internalize) is the first step to accepting and loving yourself; and a baby step toward fostering a positive self esteem.

The next, and most important step, is to create self worth, by living worthy of the self (that is, not betraying oneself). A friend discussed with me this realization, “I complimented and praised my children, trying to build their self esteem. But I realized, I cannot give my child her self esteem. She has to earn it.” To earn self worth, a person has to realize she is capable of making her own decisions, has power over her own life, and able to solve problems for herself.

Powerlessness and victimhood (perceived or real) are the most devastating destroyers of self esteem. Perhaps, in the masculine LDS culture, we are raising women to play the victim role or perform exact obedience to inappropriate priesthood authority, specifically to their husbands. The church doctrine does not teach these practices, as I have heard many talks by church leaders on the concept of “unrighteous dominion” and the punishment that awaits the man who does so. Sadly, there are still many LDS women, who cleave to their husband despite cruelty and abuse (powerlessness and victimhood). And, ironically, there are many more LDS women, who follow their husband in a self-sacrificing and begrudging attitude, all in the name of his authority (perceived powerlessness and perceived victimhood).

Before I scare all of my LDS friends and have them running away screaming, “Blasphemer!” I want to be clear, I am not a Mormon feminist (not that there’s anything wrong with being one, I’m just much too apathetic to join a cause). Nor am I angry or disillusioned by the Mormon culture to which I belong; I actually find it to be fascinating and at times humorous. Rather, I am an introspective, deep-thinking woman who, while I am imperfect in my practice, believes strongly in the gospel of Christ and the doctrine taught in my religion (which most Mormon feminists do, by the way).  And, because a friend asked, I am trying to make sense of my own self esteem issues from my religious perspective and upbringing.

Please feel free to share your ideas on the topic, as well as point out any flaws in my theories or fallacies in my logic.

For further information on anti-depressant use in Utah: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/640196840/Why-high-antidepressant-use-in-Utah.html?pg=2

For further information on building self esteem in children: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2008/05/you-cant-give-your-children-self-esteem.html

For further information on Mormon feminism:

http://www.ldswave.org/

For further information on the LDS perspective on chastity:
http://lds.org/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth-fulfilling-our-duty-to-god/sexual-purity?lang=eng