My New Year's Resolution: Go forward with faith

Last week, my counselor asked me to read an article which focused on looking forward to the future with faith and not pining for the past. Essentially, the message was, "Remember Lot's wife." (Luke 17:32).

The story of Lot comes from the book of Genesis, when he and his wife were commanded to leave the wicked city of Sodom and Gomorrah. As they left, perhaps as the city of their childhood was nearly out of view or maybe as they were just outside the city gates, Lot's wife turned to look back and became a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26). Lot's wife "doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind" (Holland, 2010).

How many times in our lives do we have the opportunity to move forward, to start over, to repent or make changes, and when we are the cusp of that movement we turn, perhaps because of the comfort or ease of yesterday or possibly the fear of the unknown future, and linger in the past?

Even when that past is riddled with mistakes and misfortune, there seems to be a difficulty to let go, move on, and press forward. For me, it typifies a lack of hope, or more explicitly a lack of faith that God truly can guide my future and has something better waiting for me.

I can't count the number of times I have wished for a crystal ball, a way to foretell the future and thereby make the "correct" choice. Only God knows where I am headed, or where I have the potential to end up. By clinging to and dwelling on the past, I cloud my ability to find peace and joy in the potential of my future.

In Bonds that Make Us Free, Warner (2001) discusses a situation in which a friend has two potential positive choices to make, to stay with his current employment, where he had worked hard to create a positive team-oriented work environment, or to take a new job, where he had the potential for personal recognition. Warner's response to this gentleman was, “Whichever choice you make, a part of you is going to die. The only question is, Which part?” (p.56).

As I look at the options that sit in front of me, I feel somewhat paralyzed by fear to make a choice. This fear causes me to drag my feet, wait for the decision to be made for me, or wish for things to change so the choice won't have to be made. I know full well that whatever I choose, a part of me is going to die. While I have started to mourn that potential death, I haven't yet given myself over to embracing the birth of something new. To do so, I must replace my fear with hope; I must give my will over to the Lord and find faith to go forward.

For myself and for any of you who might feel the same way, I will leave you with the closing paragraphs of the article:

Some of you may wonder: Is there any future for me? What does a new year or a new semester, a new major or a new romance, a new job or a new home hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to stay in the past?

To all such of every generation, I call out, “Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come” (Hebrews 9:11).

Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever. That is a New Year’s resolution I ask you to keep. (Holland, 2010)

"Look Not Behind Thee"

Of Infinite Worth

I was recently asked by a friend why women, specifically women of my faith, seem to have such a horrible self esteem. Especially when, throughout our teen years, active female members of my church recite a weekly “theme,” which includes stating our divine heritage and the values we embrace: “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us …” We sing songs with phrases that reiterate this inherent worth: “I am a child of God,” “For I am of worth, of infinite worth,” “My nature is divine,” etc. However, as my friend pointed out, many faithful women seem to be depressed or decidedly dysfunctional when it comes to actually believing they are of worth.

This got me thinking. Living in Utah, there are a couple of facts, which people erroneously link as causal chains. Fact: Utah has the highest per capita use of anti-depressants in the U.S. and primarily those prescriptions are written to women. Fact: Utah has the highest population of Latter-Day Saints in the nation.

Now, I have heard, and even passed on, the logical fallacy that Mormons, specifically Mormon women, are more depressed than their non-LDS counterparts. This hasty generalization was one I actually bought into. Being an LDS woman in Utah, I have witnessed a number of my friends and relatives use anti-depressants at different times in their lives. I personally have never taken them. I don’t really believe in them for me, at least not at this point.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all “Tom Cruise” and say that “it’s all in your head.” Especially after reading The Female Brain (2006) and The Male Brain (2010) (and you all understand what I mean when I say “reading” … if not, check out my post “Taking the First Step”), I know there are chemical issues brewing in the brain that are completely out of a person’s control. I also believe there are times and circumstances in a person’s life that warrant the extra “life vest” to keep her from drowning.

I may have suffered (or am currently suffering) from both issues, however I have chosen to not take medication for the same reason I choose to not fester in anger. Taking medication is a very personal choice. I am no doctor (though my husband tells me I think I’m one), so I do not recommend you forgoing or ceasing medical treatment. And for those who use anti-depressants to help with anxiety, OCD-related tendencies, or chronic illness, more power to you and thank God for modern medicine!

For me, anger and anti-depressants are the same as alcohol. They are emotion numbing; they divert a person from actually dealing with life. When you stop being angry, stop using anti-depressants, or stop drinking alcohol (or any other numbing behavior), the real, raw, authentic emotion is still there, just waiting to be dealt with. The life situation may be over, but the working through it still must be done. I’d rather deal with it now; take my lumps as they come, rather than wait for months, prolonging the pain I will eventually and undoubtedly feel.

So, if this correlation isn’t causal, what can explain it? I’m no scientist, but I have a few theories (some of which I have borrowed from friends and colleagues). First, it’s important to look at another set of facts which could explain the high incidence of anti-depressant use in Utah. Fact: Utah has one of the lowest unemployment rates in the nation. Fact: Utah has one of the highest education rates in the nation. So what? Well, with education come increased employment opportunities. Better employment often includes enhanced insurance benefits. People who are insured are more likely to seek medical attention, even mental health providers. Along with this increased education also comes an awareness of the symptoms of depression and a willingness to seek help. Fact: Additionally, among practicing Latter-Day Saints, there is a lack of alcohol or illegal substance use or abuse; both of which may be used by people in neighboring states for self-medicating purposes.  It’s also interesting to point out that the states ranked just below Utah for anti-depressant use were Oregon and Maine, neither of which have the high concentration of LDS members, such as can be found in Arizona or Idaho.

Okay, so are we talking urban legend stuff here? If there is no direct connection between depression and being a woman in the LDS faith, what is the answer to my friend’s question?

I have a couple of ideas (more like germinating seeds of ideas, with barely a sprout showing, so take them for what they’re worth).

In the LDS culture, we have our own urban legends, which are passed down from Sunday School teacher, to Young Women adviser, to Primary teacher, to Relief Society teacher, like folk tales around the camp fire. One in particular, which I think perpetuates LDS women feeling extreme pressure to be perfect is this: “Men are given the priesthood so they can actually be as good as women. Women don’t need the priesthood, because they are already so amazing.” Frankly, I think this was made up by some stupid man, trying to make women feel better about not being priesthood holders (a responsibility I am actually grateful to forego). However, what he successfully accomplished was making LDS women neurotically obsessed with having to be amazing, as if we didn’t put enough pressure on ourselves already. Suddenly, this obsession becomes a little too real when you look around the room and think you might actually be surrounded by a bunch of Stepford wives!

That fear quickly dissolves once you take the time to get to know any of these women personally. Each has their own pain, their own insecurities, their own troubled relationships, their own flaws, their own dark moments, their own trials of faith … they are not so different from me or from you.

In this same vein, I remember receiving (and giving) many a lesson about chastity, where it was my responsibility as a young LDS woman to keep chaste any young man I dated. The subliminal message (or sometimes spoken message) was that young men could not be expected or required to control their sexual urges. Instead, young women, who were erroneously purported to have ultimate control over their own urges and over young men, were put under intense pressure to ensure both parties stayed virtuous. Can you say, “Pre-ssure?”

This attitude was again reflected in personal interviews with church leadership, in order to obtain entrance into the church’s most sacred place of worship: the temple. I recall teasing the boys my age about them being asked by the church leader if they masturbated (an activity that is discouraged if one is to maintain personal virtue). However, not once was I ever asked if I masturbated. I think the assumption was (and you know what they say about assuming) girls do not have morality issues such as this. Again, the supposition that women are inherently moral placed increased pressure on us to be perfect or worse even, to feel absolutely abominable if we had succumbed to any of these temptations.  

Another church practice and cultural attitude, is the keeping personal instances of sin private. “Do not share past transgressions.” Wasn’t every full-time missionary taught that? I’m not saying I don’t agree with that policy. There is wisdom in this advice that protects both the party who is repenting and those who are watching for weaknesses. Neither person can benefit in a public flogging or scarlet branding, where there isn’t proper humility and repentance and unconditional forgiveness and support. However, what happens, then, is new converts or innocent youths believe that everyone in the church is perfect and those who are not perfect are not in the church. (Maybe I’m the only one who thought this.) The shame and devastation that comes when this new convert or youth slips up is near tragic … how can they ever feel good about themselves again, when they are surrounded by everyone else who is perfect and never made mistakes?

Again, that shame and loneliness quickly dissolves once you learn just how many of your friends and family members have suffered in similar ways and found their way back into full fellowship. But those conversations are guarded, often shared only to help someone find hope when they are about to dive over the edge of despair.

Perhaps there is also some wisdom to the Mennonite practice of announcing one’s flaws or sins over the pulpit and publicly asking for forgiveness, but I am not so sure the members of the LDS faith are as forgiving as a whole as their Mennonite friends. We are taught not to judge others, but we do, and then we judge ourselves even more harshly.

I think that realizing that no one is perfect (and for a perfectionist, that is a hard concept to internalize) is the first step to accepting and loving yourself; and a baby step toward fostering a positive self esteem.

The next, and most important step, is to create self worth, by living worthy of the self (that is, not betraying oneself). A friend discussed with me this realization, “I complimented and praised my children, trying to build their self esteem. But I realized, I cannot give my child her self esteem. She has to earn it.” To earn self worth, a person has to realize she is capable of making her own decisions, has power over her own life, and able to solve problems for herself.

Powerlessness and victimhood (perceived or real) are the most devastating destroyers of self esteem. Perhaps, in the masculine LDS culture, we are raising women to play the victim role or perform exact obedience to inappropriate priesthood authority, specifically to their husbands. The church doctrine does not teach these practices, as I have heard many talks by church leaders on the concept of “unrighteous dominion” and the punishment that awaits the man who does so. Sadly, there are still many LDS women, who cleave to their husband despite cruelty and abuse (powerlessness and victimhood). And, ironically, there are many more LDS women, who follow their husband in a self-sacrificing and begrudging attitude, all in the name of his authority (perceived powerlessness and perceived victimhood).

Before I scare all of my LDS friends and have them running away screaming, “Blasphemer!” I want to be clear, I am not a Mormon feminist (not that there’s anything wrong with being one, I’m just much too apathetic to join a cause). Nor am I angry or disillusioned by the Mormon culture to which I belong; I actually find it to be fascinating and at times humorous. Rather, I am an introspective, deep-thinking woman who, while I am imperfect in my practice, believes strongly in the gospel of Christ and the doctrine taught in my religion (which most Mormon feminists do, by the way).  And, because a friend asked, I am trying to make sense of my own self esteem issues from my religious perspective and upbringing.

Please feel free to share your ideas on the topic, as well as point out any flaws in my theories or fallacies in my logic.

For further information on anti-depressant use in Utah: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/640196840/Why-high-antidepressant-use-in-Utah.html?pg=2

For further information on building self esteem in children: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2008/05/you-cant-give-your-children-self-esteem.html

For further information on Mormon feminism:

http://www.ldswave.org/

For further information on the LDS perspective on chastity:
http://lds.org/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth-fulfilling-our-duty-to-god/sexual-purity?lang=eng

Response to Comments on "Change IS Possible"

In an attempt to respond to comments on the blog, comments on Facebook, verbal comments, and emails, I hope to occasionally break up my lengthy posts with a short reply to a few of you.

@Sarah
"Change is a good thing but there comes a point when you need to embrace the changes you've made and be happy. Some people are constantly changing themselves and they never stop to see who they have become."

Being a neurotic perfectionist, I doubt I will ever be able to just relax and stop trying to change (or in my mind, to be better than I was before). There is something about complacency and satisfaction that scares me. I'm not saying I'm right to be afraid, I'm just explaining my mode of thinking. Here's how it works in my mind: If this life is a journey, and I stop to smell the roses for too long or get a little too comfortable in my current state, I will be left behind. I'm not sure by whom or what, but this is how my crazy brain operates. Surely, as I said in the "Change IS Possible" post, change comes, regardless if we want it to or not. Perhaps, my working to create the change myself is just another manifestation of my control freakishness. Undoubtedly, there has to be a balance between striving to do better each day and celebrating accomplishments. I think keeping this blog (my public journal, of sorts), will be a good way for me to "stop to see who I am becoming" (I don't think we see who we've "become" until "becoming" is over). Over time, I hope there will be a progression of topics, attitude, and emotions, which will reflect my achievement of personal goals. In fact, I'd like to take a second to see who I am becoming, and celebrate a few personal changes I have made and goals I have achieved over the last few months:

• I have read from the scriptures with my children nearly every day for going on 10 weeks.
• I have had family prayer with my children nearly every day for nearly 12 weeks.
• In the last three months, I have missed holding an actual Family Home Evening lesson with my children only once (due to Parent Teacher Conferences).
• I have joined the choir at my church, along with my two oldest children. (This is something I remember doing with my father, one of the few things that allowed me to actually spend time with him, and something I love to do, but previously had not felt I was able to without taking more time away from my family.)
• I have not cried at all today ... yet (mostly because I was too busy singing, cleaning, and rearranging furniture).
• I enjoyed a root beer float, after eating the family dinner staple, a bean burrito (or bean burro, as we called them growing up).

@Scott
"The mistake most people make is that they equate 'perfection' with 'the best that I can.' That's an incorrect assumption. ... When I have a realization of what I want to change and how to do it, I write down right then *WHY* I want to effect that change. Then, in times of wavering commitment, I pull out that sheet. I then review it, and it revives a lot of the motivation."

I absolutely LOVE this idea. As a homework assignment from my therapist, I wrote out a personal mission statement (props to Stephen Covey). My statement ended up being two pages describing the person I am (deep, deep, deep down in some instances) or the person I want to be. Next, I listed the goals which will help me realize those attitudes and behaviors. I believe the step of writing down the "why" for each component of my personal mission statement will be crucial to my maintaining the changes I am making. I'm assigning myself this homework, due ASAP!

Gilbert_Sundevil
"we need to do our best to enjoy life while we are working on becoming our better selves. It's a tough challenge to walk the line of self awareness of our faults without falling into beating ourselves up. But if we dwell to much (or with too much harshness) on our faults, we will be miserable for the rest of our lives. So, here's to enjoying yourself where you are, warts and all."

There are definitely personality traits, maybe even warts, which I enjoy about myself, maybe even feel grateful I have. For example, to some, my lack of maturity and quirky sense of humor may be annoying and obnoxious, but it provides me (and my children and students and a few understanding friends) with hours of entertainment. However, there are faults which I absolutely hate about myself, because they are self-destructive and cause not only me but others pain. For years, I have wished I could take a melon baller and just scoop those craptacular qualities out, toss them aside, forget they exist. But then I'd be left with pits and pock marks. Rather, I should be working to make my weaknesses my strengths; instead of removing them, I should be transforming them.

In The Continuous Atonement (2009), Brad Wilcox gives a powerful analogy of repentance, which I think can also apply to our strengthening ourselves where we are weak, fortifying ourselves where we are flawed. He talks about the beauty of marble stone, saying, "What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty" (p.193-194).

This passage reminded me of one of my many favorite quotes: "Life is a grindstone and whether it grinds a man down or polishes him up depends on the stuff he's made of." Lately, I feel like I'm made of marshmallows and corn chips. However, I know that under that mushy, crumbling exterior stands a strong woman.

So, here's to being grateful for my "warts and all" (though, I prefer Wilcox's "dark veins," since warts are not so easy to polish). I'm not sure I'm ready to enjoy them yet, but I can definitely be grateful for the learning and growth I have done and am doing because of them.

Response to Comments on "Facebook and the Facade"

In an attempt to respond to comments on the blog, comments on Facebook, verbal comments, and emails, I hope to occasionally break up my lengthy posts with a short reply to a few of you.



@Gilbert_Sundevil
“This post was a bit jarring (sp?) for me and has happened one or two other times with my friends from my youth. My understanding or appreciation of their worth is so completely different than their own vision of their self-worth that it seems as if we would describe two completely different people.”

First, jarring is spelled correctly. Good job! A+

Second, we have been friends for a very long time, perhaps since Kindergarten. I still remember Ben’s birthday party, where I was the only girl and I towered a head taller than all of you. Now, all of you are at least the same height, if not a head-plus taller than I. And just as we all have grown and changed over the years, my perception of myself has also grown and changed. Perhaps the vision of my self-worth has become clouded over the years. Perhaps the self-assuredness I exhibited previously (and currently) was merely an over-compensation for my lack of self esteem. Pretending to not care what others thought about me was a way to numb myself during the painful teen years of a developing identity. For example, I can with confidence say you were my best friend during our senior year. However, I struggled the entire year with the belief that your family did not like me. I hurt because you were in love with a girl who barely spoke to you. I guarded my insecurity from you, because I did not feel worth-y of your unconditional friendship. That is not to say I didn’t or don’t believe I am of worth, I just believe that if others really knew me (and not the pretend me) they wouldn’t think I am of worth. More directly, I don’t believe the people I want to think I am of worth do. I am working on focusing on those people whose opinions should carry the most weight: My God, my children, my self.

Even as I sat typing this, a colleague and close friend delivered a box to me. Inside the tin were letters, notes, and cards from various friends, family, former and current students, and colleagues. I just spent the last half hour crying, as I read and re-read these kind messages of love, hope, friendship, support, and faith. I am humbled and so very blessed.


@Anonymous
“Love the writing and reading into some of your thoughts. Facebook is fun, but it's not everything. ... Go back to your YW's Theme. All of the value's apply to you now as an adult married woman and mother, just as they did when you were a teenager. (Just a couple of years ago, right)”

Thank you for reading. Facebook definitely is not everything … rather I use Facebook to illustrate a microcosm of my life and way of thinking.

Funny you should mention the Young Women’s Theme. I am currently working on a post that will address this concept. Actually, it was just a year ago (not two) that I was in the YW’s … serving, that is. During the 18 years (yep, folks, do the math) of being “graduated” from the YW’s, I have served in some capacity in the program as a leader for a total of 13 years! It seems I am meant to work with teens in all aspects of my life. It is my “density.”


@Ben
“You say you seek the ‘Holy Grail’ of who you are or who you want to be, but that is a goal that is unrealistic and unattainable.”

I couldn’t agree more! Which is why the term “Holy Grail” seems especially fitting to me. For centuries, many have sought the Holy Grail, the cup which held Christ’s blood from the crucifixion, never to actually find the relic. Likewise, many (including myself) have journeyed in search of self-discovery, never to fully reach a final destination, but rather to realize it is through the voyage in which we are formed.

I don’t expect to wake up one day, look myself in the mirror, and say, “There she is!” This continuous process of defining and refining will undoubtedly last until death (which, based on my genetics and lifestyle is likely to be around 90). I hope it is at that point, as well as throughout the journey, I can look at the road I have traveled, and the direction I am headed, and feel confident that I am on the “right” path for me, even a path of peace and joy.

Change IS Possible

How many times have you heard someone say (or maybe you have been the one who has said) any of the following phrases regarding change: “People can’t change,” “You can’t change anyone but yourself,” “You shouldn’t ask me to change; you should love me for who I am,” “I refuse to change,” “I need to change, but …” “She/he has changed so much,” or “It’s time for a change”? While many of these statements seem to contradict each other, they each contain fragments of truth. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up (and believe me, I am summing up; we’re talking two books-worth of summary here, people).

“People can’t change”

I have not only heard this, I have said this. However, in saying this, I subconsciously sentenced myself to a lifetime of being the same person, a person who I may not want to be. What a hopeless position to be in, realizing I may not even like who I am, and believing there is no other option. However, “People can change fundamentally – in their hearts and not just in their outward behavior. … Not many people believe this. Most are convinced that our genetic structure and life experiences have dictated the kind of people we have become” (Warner, 2001, p.ix).

While those genetic structures and life experiences fundamentally form our character, attitudes, and perception of reality, they do not predestine us for any certain fate. As a teacher, I see the truth of this first-hand at Parent-Teacher Conferences. If I were speaking only to fellow teachers I could end with that statement. We would all nod knowingly, lips pursed, arms folded across our chests, eyes widening as we recalled the father who wanted to punch us in the face or the mother who sat weeping at our table. But for those of you who have not had the privilege of working closely with a group of teenagers (or students of any age), getting to know their personalities, finding out what motivates and inspires them, seeing them at some of their most insecure and confident moments, you may not fully appreciate the unpredictability of the phrase, “The apple does not fall far from the tree.” I have had incredibly clever and congenial students, whose parents were angry and arrogant. I have had emotionally dysfunctional and cognitively lacking students, whose parents were doctors or lawyers. There is no guarantee that just because your parents were gifted and talented and honest and ethical that you will grow up to be Bob or Barbara Junior. Likewise, there is no guarantee that just because your parents were jaded and ordinary and philandering and dodgy that you will grow up to be that way either. Yes, odds may be in your favor (or against you), but “odds” is a gambling term, and I’m betting you have what it takes to turn the tables and realize success.

According to marriage and family therapist, John Van Epp, Phd. (2007), “Change is possible, but not without four essential ingredients. … insight … new information … motivation and time” (p.35)

Step 1: Insight

“First, change requires insight into yourself. It is very difficult to improve some area that you do not recognize as a problem. … This insight can occur in many ways. Unfortunately, it often takes a rock-bottom experience to gain a clear view of yourself” (Van Epp, 2007, p.36). Rock bottom was once a term used to denote the bedrock or foundation layer of soil, originally portraying a positive connotation; in fact it was used in the 19^th century to describe one’s solid moral character. However, undoubtedly as the mining industry flourished, the connotation changed to describe the lowest possible level, the point at which digging deeper became impossible (well, until the invention of high powered explosives or hydraulic mining systems, that is). For some people, that lowest possible level is the shallow end of the baby pool (which is pretty disgusting in its own right, what with the prevalence of bodily fluids, and sometimes solids); for others, the lowest possible level is at the bottom of shark infested waters. And, sadly, what I think should be rock bottom for someone, might only be their shallow end.

I believe I have hit my own rock bottom, which is somewhere between urine infected and shark infested. Gratefully, I have been thrown multiple life preservers from loving friends and family to help me float safely to the surface and start swimming toward the shallow end. An awakening, a reality check, a personal tragedy, a nervous breakdown, a midlife crisis … call it what you will, but rock bottom is where we will find ourselves, and it is at that point where most people realize they need to change.

But, realizing a change is needed isn’t the only indispensable insight. I must also realize what should be changed. This insight, or the clear perception of what area needs changing, is the most important unwritten step of all 12 Step programs. In any 12 Step program (and there is practically a 12 Step program for any vice or victim), if a person cannot determine what it is that needs changing, they cannot even begin the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over [?]—that our lives had become unmanageable” (“The 12 Steps”). There is a giant question mark just hovering, waiting to be defined. If I cannot determine what that question mark is or admit that [?] is a problem, the road to making changes is not even on my map.

 “Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I’m a readaholic, workaholic, perfectionist, control freak, who suffers from blurred boundaries and moderate OCD.” Though I list my flaws somewhat facetiously, I think I still have many more question marks to determine. It wasn’t so long ago, that I could barely define the question mark as “a problem.” I knew I had a problem (okay, fine, problems), and I knew those problems impacted my relationships and self esteem, but I couldn’t put a finger on just what needed fixing. How helpless it felt going through life, making destructive choices and causing others and myself pain, and yet I was unable to identify what it was I needed to repair to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Seventeenth century writer and philosopher Blaise Pascal illustrated the tragedy of lacking insight when he wrote, “It is no doubt an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them and unwilling to recognize them, since this entails the further evil of … self-delusion” (qtd. in Warner, 2001, p.27). Self-delusion, self-betrayal, lying to oneself … it all speaks to the darkness a person is in when they have not yet seen the light brought about by honest and willing insight.

Step 2: New Information

“After you gain insight, you then need new information to direct the change” (Van Epp, 2007, p.36). Albert Einstein defines insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Under that description, many of us, myself included, could rightfully be dubbed insane. Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over, but even worse, sometimes we try the same solutions over and over and expect something to change, even ourselves. We have to gain new information, employ new solutions, and hope for new results. New information can come in the form of books, classes, workshops, wise friends and family, or professional counseling.

Over the years, I have read dozens of self-help, relational maintenance, and communication books. It was a continuous flow of new information into my brain. However, somewhere between my head and my heart, the pipe line stopped. The information was in my brain, but it wasn’t in me. I may have tried, obliquely attempting to incorporate the new ideas and behaviors into my life. I taught the concepts to my students, even. However, I managed to never embrace them. If they didn’t work after a couple of attempts, I threw the concept aside and tried something new. I cycled through new ideas like toilet paper, disposing of them when they seemed “crappy” (i.e. they impeded my ability to play the victim).

So, reading alone could not help me. I had to try something new, something drastic. For the first time, I have been seeing a therapist for myself. During our marriage, my husband and I have visited several marriage counselors together, but nothing seemed to break through the barriers that kept the bad in and the good out. But, this is the first time I have worked one-on-one with a therapist to make changes in myself. This is difficult for me to admit for a myriad of reasons. First, I am a professor of communication. I get paid to teach other people how to communicate in their relationships, yet I struggle to even hold a conversation with my own spouse. Second, just as most teachers do, I spend much of my time counseling with my students about their education and about life in general. In a way, I have been a lay-therapist to hundreds of students during my teaching career. It is hard to admit that this therapist needs therapy. Yet, it is the truth.

I am a communicator, I need to discuss my issues, verbally problem-solve, figure out what I think as I see what I say. Too often, I have either verbalized my issues and asked advice from unsafe or emotionally invested parties or I have kept everything in, until I was really to implode. This would speak to my issue of blurred boundaries, something I am working to remedy. Finding a safe place and person, even a neutral party has opened a window and allowed fresh perspectives and insight to enter. For others, a life coach, personal trainer, group therapy, or religious leader may be the answer. I don’t know that everyone needs a professional counselor, but I do believe everyone needs some form of therapy at some point in their life. This is the point in my life (and there may be other points in the future).

However, any good therapist would tell you their goal is to empower their client to be self sufficient. Realizing that I cannot keep going to professional counseling for the rest of my life, I knew I needed to find a personal, independent outlet. Enter blog. As much as I am a verbal communicator, I am a writer. However, without an audience, I am merely writing a journal, and a journal is not a dialogue. I need readers, listeners, critical thinkers, who will respond to, affirm, and challenge what I am saying. This blog provides me crucial accountability. It’s nice if I read something and think it to be true. It’s better if I write that truth down and attempt to internalize it. It’s best if I share what I’ve written with others, so I am not just accountable to myself.

Step 3: Motivation  

“Why then, if we are able to change fundamentally don’t we do it? Why do we get and keep ourselves stuck in anxiety, suspicion, resentment, or anger if we all have the power to do otherwise?” (Warner, 2001, p.ix). I believe the answer is we are afraid, complacent, or expect others to change instead of us. I have been guilty of all three excuses that kept me from making changes in my own behavior. These excuses can be seen in “You shouldn’t ask me to change; you should love me for who I am” OR “I refuse to change,” OR  “I need to change, but …” The but (and everything, and everyone for that matter, has a but) can take on many different descriptors, such as “it’s too hard,” “I don’t know how,” “I don’t want to right now.” Whatever it is that keeps us from making that change is a BUT, an excuse (and you know what they say about excuses).

According to professor and author, Brad Wilcox, “Some say it is wrong to require change in others or in ourselves – that we should just accept everyone as is. Although kind and tolerant, this advice goes against both the upward reach within us and the teachings of Jesus Christ. Some of the most miserable people I know are those who have ‘accepted themselves’ as they are and refuse to change” (2009, p.17). While I cannot force others to change, I can require they change if they want to enjoy my company. (Sorry folks, affiliation, friendship, and love are all conditional, and should be.)

C. Terry Warner, in the book Bonds that Make Us Free (2001), addresses this issue of making excuses, a phenomenon I have described as “living on pause,” stating:

Many have told me of doing everything humanly possible to change a negative attitude or rescue a spoiled relationship, only to fail again and again and finally give up hope. … We cannot see how to stop. We feel stuck. … experiencing other people or circumstances as having more power over our own happiness than we do. We believe they have the ability to cause troubling feelings in us that we cannot do anything about, no matter how we try. We wonder how we can ever be genuinely happy, inwardly peaceful, and fulfilled. … When we are “stuck,” we think, falsely, the problem lies with other people, when the truth is that the problem lies within ourselves. We develop strategies for relieving ourselves of our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us into them in the first place. (p.11,13)

In essence, if I never heal the disease, the manifestations of that disease will continue to cause me pain. I could try to numb myself with reading books, listening to music, playing on Facebook, watching television, overworking, overeating, over-exercising, taking anti-depressants, and a dozen other less healthy choices, or I could stop treating the symptoms and start curing the disease. I call this “living on pause,” because I believe anytime we numb ourselves it’s as if we are standing still, frozen in the inability to make changes, while life occurs around us. In retrospect, I have spent many years during my most important relationships, “living on pause.” It’s time to hit the play button and find the motivation to create forward momentum.

The motivation to move forward can come in many forms and take on many faces. As I reflect on the destructive patterns of communication I have not only allowed but fostered in my personal relationships, I feel motivated. As I realize I have been betraying myself and not living true to the person I know I am, I feel motivated. As I look into the sad eyes and panged expressions of my sons, I feel motivated. Whatever impetus propels you toward change, realize you are moving in a direction, you are no longer “living on pause.” The key, then, is to make sure the movement is in a positive direction, forward and upward, because it is possible for people to change for the worse.

Step 4: Time

Change is not easy; miraculous instantaneous changes only seem to occur in scripture. “Consider how many times you have heard a person … acknowledge a fault and promise to change, but then assume it is accomplished – if not immediately, then after only a week of improvement. … personal changes take concerted effort over time. … The more significant the problem, the longer it takes” (Van Epp, 2007, p.35-36). How much time is enough? That depends on who you ask. Van Epp would suggest it takes three months before patterns of behavior become apparent, six months to see if real change has occurred, and two years to really know someone. I remember hearing Dr. Laura Schlessinger once tell a listener, who had called into discuss her dating a former drug user, that she should not marry or make babies with this recovering addict until he had been clean for ten years (qtd. in “I Married a …”). Ten years! It is crazy to think that many of us believe someone has changed after only ten minutes, right after he or she has apologized! Apology and remorse may display a desire to change; however, the evidence of that desire to change will be reflected in their subsequent and enduring behaviors.

The problem is, as the saying goes, anyone can sustain change while under a microscope. That microscope can be a newly vigilant spouse or partner, who is more attuned to the issues the changer is facing. The microscope can be legal troubles, where the court or law enforcement is keeping tabs on the changer’s behavior. The microscope can be a professional counselor, therapy group, or clergy member, where the changer is accountable to “do homework” and “report.” The real question remains, when the spouse has loosened the reigns, or the legal consequences have run their course, or the therapy sessions have come to an end, will the changer be able to sustain the change or will he/she simply revert back to old habits? This is the question I have asked myself, and the reason I have created this blog. It is the reason many addicts continue attending AA meetings for the rest of their lives.

“You can’t change anyone but yourself” OR “She/he has changed so much”

In my study and understanding of boundaries, it is true we are stewards only over ourselves and our choices. Therefore, the only person I have control over is myself. However, we are also able to influence and be influenced by others, in both positive and negative ways. I have known people over the years who have changed either for the worse or for the better because of the company they were keeping. Granted, it was ultimately their choice to take the steps they did that took them toward that change; the change was influenced over time by their relationships.

I think we all know someone and maybe we are that someone, who we look at and say, “They have lost themselves, they are no longer the person they used to be or that we thought they were.” It is easy, as outside observers to see they are becoming more like those with whom they are associating. This is especially true of compliant people, who like chameleons, change themselves to fit the needs of the people they are hanging around.

Seeing these situations testifies that change is not only possible, but that other people can and do change because of others. The clincher is that you cannot make someone change. If they do not want to, if they resist change, there is little you can do to force it. It is the equivalent of the adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” The more important concept here is, “You have no right, authority, or responsibility to change anyone but yourself.”

“It’s time for a change”

Change is the only guarantee we have in life; a concept which brings both pain and blessings. Imagine, your life is good, you are happy, everything is going smoothly. That is guaranteed to change. Imagine, your life is crappy, you are miserable, everything is going wrong. That is also guaranteed to change. It is a matter of how we direct the sails of our lives to catch those changing winds, whether we will be tossed into dark and tumultuous waves or whether we will ease into serene and peaceful waters. This does not preclude the fact that storms enter everyone’s lives, regardless of their focus and direction.

And so … I am in charge of my sail, I am plotting my course; this ship is destined for peaceful waters, no matter what storms may come.

Facebook and the Façade

Every week day, on my way to take my youngest son to his babysitter, I drive past the First Baptist Church of Roy. In front of the church is a large marquee, where presumably the pastor posts a special message for the congregation and passers-by. A couple of months ago, the marquee read, “Get off Facebook and get into My book.” I smiled, amused by the creative pun, but my amusement soon turned to chagrin.

While I rarely log into Facebook from my home computer, I do spend an unnecessary amount of time, usually during random moments of boredom, snooping around status updates and posted photos via my cell phone. I am past playing games or taking quizzes, though I did my fair share of both when novelty negated reason. In the past, I have joked that I needed help cutting back and should probably spearhead a FA group. Despite the fact that Facebook is both a time- and brain-drain, it has been a positive way to reconnect with former childhood friends, lost contacts from college, special students who have graduated, and even keep up with kin, as we all move about our lives across the country. It’s been a teaching tool for my high school students, as well as a way to deliver important family messages about events, both tragic and tender.

According to the Facebook Pressroom, the average user has 130 friends. However, the average user may not be a high school teacher, having taught approximately 200 students annually for nearly thirteen years. The average user may not have a prolific and well-connected extended family. The average user may not be active in a religious organization or several statewide service organizations. The average user may not have grown up in a small town and know, by name, his/her entire graduating class. Therefore, I am not the average user, and I currently have 689 friends, all of whom I know personally (to varying degrees). This is not to say I am popular, but that I have had many opportunities in my life to meet many new people, most of whom I connect with and like. However, this number is down by two since Wednesday – I am not even sure yet who unfriended me, and it’s possible whoever it was simply deactivated his/her account altogether. And, it’s even more possible, they simply unfriended me.

Over the years I have had multiple Facebook friends, some former students, but mostly people from my hometown, unfriend me. They never say why they leave, at least not to me (though I do hear rumblings and rumors). No doubt, there have been “friends” I have unwittingly offended over Facebook, with my random, annoying, and off-color updates. Perhaps there are others who realized we weren’t that close to begin with, so why pretend to be friends in Cyberspace. I wish they would send me a message or post on my wall, “Hey, your excessive status updates were irritating. Peace out,” or “I’m cutting back on my so-called friends and since you never comment on what I post I guess it won’t be a big loss to you,” or “I just friend requested you to spy into your life and see if you were miserable, and now that I have looked through all your photos and info, I’m done.” Since there is no notification, and because I have nearly seven hundred friends, it usually takes me awhile to notice the person is gone from my list. I do notice, eventually.  Once, I went so far as to ask a “friend” why she had unfriended me, but never got a response. I suppose the answer didn’t matter.

Unfriending could be the simplest and quickest form of setting personal cyber boundaries. “Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. … In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right. … God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, ‘You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house’” (Cloud and Townsend, 1995, p.44).

There have been a few times I have unfriended people. I’m usually too afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings to actually remove them from my friend list, so I simply “hide” them instead. However, “making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been so trained by others on what we ‘should’ do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion” (p.42).

When I did decide to delete a friend or two, my personal reasoning was to put some space between the person and myself because I felt betrayed in some way, and believed I needed to protect myself from their criticism and negativity.  Because I was uncomfortable confronting them, and “hiding” them only kept them invisible to me, I believed the best way to protect myself from them was removal from my cyber life. Once I felt I was able to trust their intentions (or once I let go of my own negative emotions), I was ready to again accept them as “virtual friends.” But really, it wasn’t about them, it was about me. “Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge. … Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships. They can tell you if things are going well, or if there is a problem. If you feel close and loving, things are probably going well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to” (p.40).

There have been times in my life when I fretted over the belief that someone didn’t like me, even that they had unfriended me. In my first years of teaching, I felt terrible if a student thought I was a bad teacher or said they didn’t like me or my class. The same applied to co-workers. I recall, my first year teaching I was nominated by a colleague for a teacher of the year award at my school. The winner was selected by popular vote from among our fellow teachers. While it was an enormous compliment to even be nominated, not to mention during my first year teaching, the likelihood of receiving the majority of votes was improbable. However, I internalized my “failure” to win as a measure of how much or how little people liked me. I saw myself as a failure, instead of focusing on the success and recognition of being nominated. Suddenly, I had something to prove. If they did not believe I was good enough to vote for me, I must make myself good enough. This was not something I consciously stated, but in analyzing my subsequent behavior it’s likely my subconscious had pushed my work ethic into hyperdrive. In my mind, hard work + being liked = success. This pattern was first rooted while I was in high school, when I had been nominated by my peers (being liked) for Prom Queen, but regardless of my contributions and countless hours planning and decorating (hard work), I failed to impress the final selection committee (not being liked). The next year, my campaign for student body president (hard work) was not realized (not being liked). In college, despite my efforts (hard work), I was looked over for an excellence in student teaching award (not being liked). And, nearly every year since I began my career, I have been nominated for various teaching distinction awards and failed to ever be selected as the winner. Last year, a colleague asked if he could nominate me for yet another teaching award. Politely, I declined, asking him to nominate someone else, perhaps a teacher who would be retiring that year. I couldn’t take another instance of being subjected to the selection process, only to receive notification that once again I didn’t meet the mark. It was beginning to feel like a cruel joke … and even as I sit here typing this, I’d just like to slap myself upside the head and say, “Are you kidding me!? You are the most ungrateful person! Look at all of the people who are never nominated, never even in the running! Will you stop throwing yourself a pity party and be pleased with the love and recognition you did get?!” It’s a continual, internal tug-of-war of insecurities versus infinite individual worth.

There is no denying that I absolutely love what I do; I love my students, I love the subjects I teach, I love that I am making a difference for even one person, but that love has become twisted by believing that I am not worthy of reciprocated love unless I am the best at what I do, and I’m not the best unless others say I am. “What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Often we do not take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in valuing the approval of men rather than the approval of God (John 12:43); because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life. We think that power, riches, and pleasure [or recognition] will satisfy our deepest longing, which is really for love. When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused by loving the wrong things, or valuing things that have no lasting value, when we confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can receive help from God and his people to ‘create a new heart’ within us” (p.43). It’s as if I’m on an unattainable mission to please everyone, and essentially I’m pleasing no one, especially myself. This is because, as C. Terry Warner explains in his book Bonds that Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves (2001), I have betrayed myself: “as self-betrayers we project an image of a deserving, worthwhile person, and then we struggle constantly to produce evidence that we’re measuring up to that image.  … We must conceal what we suspect we really are so as to keep from being ‘found out.’ But what we cover up when we hide behind this ‘false front’ – when we publicly project an idealized and fictitious version of ourselves – is not real. We are no more the worthless person we are trying to hide than the impressively worthwhile person we are trying to hide behind. … We have little conception of how worthwhile we are because we are working so hard to prove how worthwhile we are!” (p.74-75). I have spent hours meditating and re-reading much of what Warner writes, as it is difficult to wrap my brain around it all. So, let me see if I get this: I am hiding what I think I really am (a loser and a failure) behind a façade of dedication, hard work, and over competence, but really I am neither the failure, nor am I the amazing teacher, friend, homemaker, church member, etc. So, what am I if I am neither? I suppose that is what I must figure out. That is my quest, to seek the Holy Grail of what or who I am or want to be, and then to be that! I want to feel successful, not because I have a plaque that says so, but because at the end of the day I feel it; I want to know I did my best and no one can tell me otherwise; there is no trophy, title, or tribute that can be taken away.

Sadly, this is not the only form of self-betrayal. There are multiple ways in which a person can betray him/herself. Let me go back to the idea of me unfriending people on Facebook. I believed I had been wronged or at the very least I was offended by the behavior of these other people. However, “one person can give offense only if the other will take offense. One person can insult, humiliate, intimidate, anger, bore, or provoke only if the other actively construes what he or she does as insulting, humiliating, intimidating, angering, boring, or provoking” (p.98). I chose to be offended by their behavior, and by judging them I made them my enemy, and I betrayed myself. Warner explains that this form of self-betrayal occurs:

When we … shift responsibility onto others by means of our accusing thoughts and feelings, we … believe it is their mistreatment of us that leads us to accuse them. This is the self-betrayer’s lie. The truth – the profound, almost world-shaking truth – is that we accuse them because of our mistreatment of them. … Life becomes hard to bear only when we, as self-betrayers, cast ourselves in a victim’s role by regarding others as our victimizers and nurse our misfortunes as if they were badges of honor. I think of self-betrayal as a form of subtle self-destruction because it obliterates the open and generous individuals we can and ought to be – and all for this paltry mess of pottage, the unsteady and impermanent feeling of justification in wrongdoing. … We can’t feel justified in withholding kindness from others unless we find, or invent, some reasons why they deserve it – some deficiency or despicable characteristic that requires us to ignore or correct or chasten or punish them … By our self-victimizations, we exaggerate others’ destructiveness and our own helplessness. … We display ourselves as suffering at their hands. And we evade acknowledging our mistreatment of them by accusing them of mistreating us. … Once we betray ourselves, accuse others, and box ourselves into the victim’s role, we no longer see things the way they really are. In our minds, there can be only two options: one is that we are right in accusing them, which means that they are guilty of all the trouble between us and that we are their victims; the other is that we’re wrong and they aren’t guilty after all, and this means we’re guilty of the trouble and they are our victims. … if we were to acknowledge not being a victim, in that very instant we would in our own eyes become a victimizing, hypocritical monster. (p.30, 54, 64, 67, 71-72)

First, I allowed myself to be offended by their actions. By so doing, I placed myself in the role of victim, thereby giving them power over me, my feelings, and my choices. Warner explains throughout the text that when we fail to act either as we know we should or act as we know we should not, we are betraying ourselves and living a lie.

Unfortunately, I live this lie every morning I drop my son at the sitter. As I race down the street, putting on my make-up in the car, I commence the drill sergeant commands: “Seat belt off, get ready, hurry, hurry, jump out, I’m late, don’t make Mommy more late, come on, Buddy … (tone change) have a great day, love you, be good … (no movement) okay, come on, get out, I have got to go!” His sleepy eyes droop, his shivering body still not adjusted to the cold of the car, his little legs moving slowly from his car seat to open his door. It is 100% my fault we are running late, because I stayed up the night before reading or thinking or writing, and so I snoozed my alarm to the last possible second. The rush to get ready and out the door lasts about thirty minutes, and most mornings I am worried I will arrive at school after the tardy bell has rung. My quietly dreaming son, warm in his bed, is woken abruptly by me putting on his socks and coat, packing his backpack with clothes for the day, and whispering directives to, “Get in the car.” It’s this terrible roller coaster I place him on every morning, and then I get frustrated and upset when he is moving too slowly, crying because he doesn’t “want to wear the shirt with buttons!” or stands at the babysitter’s door and won’t walk in. Because of my choices I am frustrated, not because of him, yet I treat him like he is the cause, like he is the enemy, making me late for work. Here I fail to do what I know I should (to get up early, to create a calm, safe, warm, and patient atmosphere for my child, to arrive to work on time, etc.) and then I vilify my own son in the process. And, how often do we do this with not only our children, but our co-workers, our friends, our siblings, our parents, and most often our spouse?

So, what must I do now?

§  I must realize I am of infinite worth because I am a daughter of God, and stop trying to prove my worth.

§  I must determine what makes me a success in my own eyes and live that truthfully.

§  I must own my emotions and not blame others for making me feel anything.

§  I must be true to myself by doing what I know I should and by not doing what I know I should not.

And when I fall short of doing all of that, I must remember the words of Gerald N. Lund: “Remember that one of Satan’s strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: ‘If you are not perfect, you are failing.’ This is one of his most effective deceptions. … We should recognize that God is pleased with every effort we make – no matter how faltering – to better ourselves” (qtd. in Wilcox, 2009, p.108). At the very least, I should be pleased with my effort to move in the right direction and grateful for the distance I have traveled so far.

§  Workbook Questions: What do you tend to do with your feelings – ignore them or let them be in charge? Why? If you are nursing any negative feelings right now, what problem that needs to be addressed are they pointing you toward? You are the only one who feels the effects of your attitudes and beliefs, and you are the only one who can change those attitudes and beliefs. Which attitudes and beliefs that you hold are causing you to make poor choices or experience pain? What will you do to get those attitudes and beliefs in line with God’s truth? (Post your response as a comment.)