Change IS Possible

How many times have you heard someone say (or maybe you have been the one who has said) any of the following phrases regarding change: “People can’t change,” “You can’t change anyone but yourself,” “You shouldn’t ask me to change; you should love me for who I am,” “I refuse to change,” “I need to change, but …” “She/he has changed so much,” or “It’s time for a change”? While many of these statements seem to contradict each other, they each contain fragments of truth. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up (and believe me, I am summing up; we’re talking two books-worth of summary here, people).

“People can’t change”

I have not only heard this, I have said this. However, in saying this, I subconsciously sentenced myself to a lifetime of being the same person, a person who I may not want to be. What a hopeless position to be in, realizing I may not even like who I am, and believing there is no other option. However, “People can change fundamentally – in their hearts and not just in their outward behavior. … Not many people believe this. Most are convinced that our genetic structure and life experiences have dictated the kind of people we have become” (Warner, 2001, p.ix).

While those genetic structures and life experiences fundamentally form our character, attitudes, and perception of reality, they do not predestine us for any certain fate. As a teacher, I see the truth of this first-hand at Parent-Teacher Conferences. If I were speaking only to fellow teachers I could end with that statement. We would all nod knowingly, lips pursed, arms folded across our chests, eyes widening as we recalled the father who wanted to punch us in the face or the mother who sat weeping at our table. But for those of you who have not had the privilege of working closely with a group of teenagers (or students of any age), getting to know their personalities, finding out what motivates and inspires them, seeing them at some of their most insecure and confident moments, you may not fully appreciate the unpredictability of the phrase, “The apple does not fall far from the tree.” I have had incredibly clever and congenial students, whose parents were angry and arrogant. I have had emotionally dysfunctional and cognitively lacking students, whose parents were doctors or lawyers. There is no guarantee that just because your parents were gifted and talented and honest and ethical that you will grow up to be Bob or Barbara Junior. Likewise, there is no guarantee that just because your parents were jaded and ordinary and philandering and dodgy that you will grow up to be that way either. Yes, odds may be in your favor (or against you), but “odds” is a gambling term, and I’m betting you have what it takes to turn the tables and realize success.

According to marriage and family therapist, John Van Epp, Phd. (2007), “Change is possible, but not without four essential ingredients. … insight … new information … motivation and time” (p.35)

Step 1: Insight

“First, change requires insight into yourself. It is very difficult to improve some area that you do not recognize as a problem. … This insight can occur in many ways. Unfortunately, it often takes a rock-bottom experience to gain a clear view of yourself” (Van Epp, 2007, p.36). Rock bottom was once a term used to denote the bedrock or foundation layer of soil, originally portraying a positive connotation; in fact it was used in the 19^th century to describe one’s solid moral character. However, undoubtedly as the mining industry flourished, the connotation changed to describe the lowest possible level, the point at which digging deeper became impossible (well, until the invention of high powered explosives or hydraulic mining systems, that is). For some people, that lowest possible level is the shallow end of the baby pool (which is pretty disgusting in its own right, what with the prevalence of bodily fluids, and sometimes solids); for others, the lowest possible level is at the bottom of shark infested waters. And, sadly, what I think should be rock bottom for someone, might only be their shallow end.

I believe I have hit my own rock bottom, which is somewhere between urine infected and shark infested. Gratefully, I have been thrown multiple life preservers from loving friends and family to help me float safely to the surface and start swimming toward the shallow end. An awakening, a reality check, a personal tragedy, a nervous breakdown, a midlife crisis … call it what you will, but rock bottom is where we will find ourselves, and it is at that point where most people realize they need to change.

But, realizing a change is needed isn’t the only indispensable insight. I must also realize what should be changed. This insight, or the clear perception of what area needs changing, is the most important unwritten step of all 12 Step programs. In any 12 Step program (and there is practically a 12 Step program for any vice or victim), if a person cannot determine what it is that needs changing, they cannot even begin the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over [?]—that our lives had become unmanageable” (“The 12 Steps”). There is a giant question mark just hovering, waiting to be defined. If I cannot determine what that question mark is or admit that [?] is a problem, the road to making changes is not even on my map.

 “Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I’m a readaholic, workaholic, perfectionist, control freak, who suffers from blurred boundaries and moderate OCD.” Though I list my flaws somewhat facetiously, I think I still have many more question marks to determine. It wasn’t so long ago, that I could barely define the question mark as “a problem.” I knew I had a problem (okay, fine, problems), and I knew those problems impacted my relationships and self esteem, but I couldn’t put a finger on just what needed fixing. How helpless it felt going through life, making destructive choices and causing others and myself pain, and yet I was unable to identify what it was I needed to repair to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Seventeenth century writer and philosopher Blaise Pascal illustrated the tragedy of lacking insight when he wrote, “It is no doubt an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them and unwilling to recognize them, since this entails the further evil of … self-delusion” (qtd. in Warner, 2001, p.27). Self-delusion, self-betrayal, lying to oneself … it all speaks to the darkness a person is in when they have not yet seen the light brought about by honest and willing insight.

Step 2: New Information

“After you gain insight, you then need new information to direct the change” (Van Epp, 2007, p.36). Albert Einstein defines insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Under that description, many of us, myself included, could rightfully be dubbed insane. Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over, but even worse, sometimes we try the same solutions over and over and expect something to change, even ourselves. We have to gain new information, employ new solutions, and hope for new results. New information can come in the form of books, classes, workshops, wise friends and family, or professional counseling.

Over the years, I have read dozens of self-help, relational maintenance, and communication books. It was a continuous flow of new information into my brain. However, somewhere between my head and my heart, the pipe line stopped. The information was in my brain, but it wasn’t in me. I may have tried, obliquely attempting to incorporate the new ideas and behaviors into my life. I taught the concepts to my students, even. However, I managed to never embrace them. If they didn’t work after a couple of attempts, I threw the concept aside and tried something new. I cycled through new ideas like toilet paper, disposing of them when they seemed “crappy” (i.e. they impeded my ability to play the victim).

So, reading alone could not help me. I had to try something new, something drastic. For the first time, I have been seeing a therapist for myself. During our marriage, my husband and I have visited several marriage counselors together, but nothing seemed to break through the barriers that kept the bad in and the good out. But, this is the first time I have worked one-on-one with a therapist to make changes in myself. This is difficult for me to admit for a myriad of reasons. First, I am a professor of communication. I get paid to teach other people how to communicate in their relationships, yet I struggle to even hold a conversation with my own spouse. Second, just as most teachers do, I spend much of my time counseling with my students about their education and about life in general. In a way, I have been a lay-therapist to hundreds of students during my teaching career. It is hard to admit that this therapist needs therapy. Yet, it is the truth.

I am a communicator, I need to discuss my issues, verbally problem-solve, figure out what I think as I see what I say. Too often, I have either verbalized my issues and asked advice from unsafe or emotionally invested parties or I have kept everything in, until I was really to implode. This would speak to my issue of blurred boundaries, something I am working to remedy. Finding a safe place and person, even a neutral party has opened a window and allowed fresh perspectives and insight to enter. For others, a life coach, personal trainer, group therapy, or religious leader may be the answer. I don’t know that everyone needs a professional counselor, but I do believe everyone needs some form of therapy at some point in their life. This is the point in my life (and there may be other points in the future).

However, any good therapist would tell you their goal is to empower their client to be self sufficient. Realizing that I cannot keep going to professional counseling for the rest of my life, I knew I needed to find a personal, independent outlet. Enter blog. As much as I am a verbal communicator, I am a writer. However, without an audience, I am merely writing a journal, and a journal is not a dialogue. I need readers, listeners, critical thinkers, who will respond to, affirm, and challenge what I am saying. This blog provides me crucial accountability. It’s nice if I read something and think it to be true. It’s better if I write that truth down and attempt to internalize it. It’s best if I share what I’ve written with others, so I am not just accountable to myself.

Step 3: Motivation  

“Why then, if we are able to change fundamentally don’t we do it? Why do we get and keep ourselves stuck in anxiety, suspicion, resentment, or anger if we all have the power to do otherwise?” (Warner, 2001, p.ix). I believe the answer is we are afraid, complacent, or expect others to change instead of us. I have been guilty of all three excuses that kept me from making changes in my own behavior. These excuses can be seen in “You shouldn’t ask me to change; you should love me for who I am” OR “I refuse to change,” OR  “I need to change, but …” The but (and everything, and everyone for that matter, has a but) can take on many different descriptors, such as “it’s too hard,” “I don’t know how,” “I don’t want to right now.” Whatever it is that keeps us from making that change is a BUT, an excuse (and you know what they say about excuses).

According to professor and author, Brad Wilcox, “Some say it is wrong to require change in others or in ourselves – that we should just accept everyone as is. Although kind and tolerant, this advice goes against both the upward reach within us and the teachings of Jesus Christ. Some of the most miserable people I know are those who have ‘accepted themselves’ as they are and refuse to change” (2009, p.17). While I cannot force others to change, I can require they change if they want to enjoy my company. (Sorry folks, affiliation, friendship, and love are all conditional, and should be.)

C. Terry Warner, in the book Bonds that Make Us Free (2001), addresses this issue of making excuses, a phenomenon I have described as “living on pause,” stating:

Many have told me of doing everything humanly possible to change a negative attitude or rescue a spoiled relationship, only to fail again and again and finally give up hope. … We cannot see how to stop. We feel stuck. … experiencing other people or circumstances as having more power over our own happiness than we do. We believe they have the ability to cause troubling feelings in us that we cannot do anything about, no matter how we try. We wonder how we can ever be genuinely happy, inwardly peaceful, and fulfilled. … When we are “stuck,” we think, falsely, the problem lies with other people, when the truth is that the problem lies within ourselves. We develop strategies for relieving ourselves of our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us into them in the first place. (p.11,13)

In essence, if I never heal the disease, the manifestations of that disease will continue to cause me pain. I could try to numb myself with reading books, listening to music, playing on Facebook, watching television, overworking, overeating, over-exercising, taking anti-depressants, and a dozen other less healthy choices, or I could stop treating the symptoms and start curing the disease. I call this “living on pause,” because I believe anytime we numb ourselves it’s as if we are standing still, frozen in the inability to make changes, while life occurs around us. In retrospect, I have spent many years during my most important relationships, “living on pause.” It’s time to hit the play button and find the motivation to create forward momentum.

The motivation to move forward can come in many forms and take on many faces. As I reflect on the destructive patterns of communication I have not only allowed but fostered in my personal relationships, I feel motivated. As I realize I have been betraying myself and not living true to the person I know I am, I feel motivated. As I look into the sad eyes and panged expressions of my sons, I feel motivated. Whatever impetus propels you toward change, realize you are moving in a direction, you are no longer “living on pause.” The key, then, is to make sure the movement is in a positive direction, forward and upward, because it is possible for people to change for the worse.

Step 4: Time

Change is not easy; miraculous instantaneous changes only seem to occur in scripture. “Consider how many times you have heard a person … acknowledge a fault and promise to change, but then assume it is accomplished – if not immediately, then after only a week of improvement. … personal changes take concerted effort over time. … The more significant the problem, the longer it takes” (Van Epp, 2007, p.35-36). How much time is enough? That depends on who you ask. Van Epp would suggest it takes three months before patterns of behavior become apparent, six months to see if real change has occurred, and two years to really know someone. I remember hearing Dr. Laura Schlessinger once tell a listener, who had called into discuss her dating a former drug user, that she should not marry or make babies with this recovering addict until he had been clean for ten years (qtd. in “I Married a …”). Ten years! It is crazy to think that many of us believe someone has changed after only ten minutes, right after he or she has apologized! Apology and remorse may display a desire to change; however, the evidence of that desire to change will be reflected in their subsequent and enduring behaviors.

The problem is, as the saying goes, anyone can sustain change while under a microscope. That microscope can be a newly vigilant spouse or partner, who is more attuned to the issues the changer is facing. The microscope can be legal troubles, where the court or law enforcement is keeping tabs on the changer’s behavior. The microscope can be a professional counselor, therapy group, or clergy member, where the changer is accountable to “do homework” and “report.” The real question remains, when the spouse has loosened the reigns, or the legal consequences have run their course, or the therapy sessions have come to an end, will the changer be able to sustain the change or will he/she simply revert back to old habits? This is the question I have asked myself, and the reason I have created this blog. It is the reason many addicts continue attending AA meetings for the rest of their lives.

“You can’t change anyone but yourself” OR “She/he has changed so much”

In my study and understanding of boundaries, it is true we are stewards only over ourselves and our choices. Therefore, the only person I have control over is myself. However, we are also able to influence and be influenced by others, in both positive and negative ways. I have known people over the years who have changed either for the worse or for the better because of the company they were keeping. Granted, it was ultimately their choice to take the steps they did that took them toward that change; the change was influenced over time by their relationships.

I think we all know someone and maybe we are that someone, who we look at and say, “They have lost themselves, they are no longer the person they used to be or that we thought they were.” It is easy, as outside observers to see they are becoming more like those with whom they are associating. This is especially true of compliant people, who like chameleons, change themselves to fit the needs of the people they are hanging around.

Seeing these situations testifies that change is not only possible, but that other people can and do change because of others. The clincher is that you cannot make someone change. If they do not want to, if they resist change, there is little you can do to force it. It is the equivalent of the adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” The more important concept here is, “You have no right, authority, or responsibility to change anyone but yourself.”

“It’s time for a change”

Change is the only guarantee we have in life; a concept which brings both pain and blessings. Imagine, your life is good, you are happy, everything is going smoothly. That is guaranteed to change. Imagine, your life is crappy, you are miserable, everything is going wrong. That is also guaranteed to change. It is a matter of how we direct the sails of our lives to catch those changing winds, whether we will be tossed into dark and tumultuous waves or whether we will ease into serene and peaceful waters. This does not preclude the fact that storms enter everyone’s lives, regardless of their focus and direction.

And so … I am in charge of my sail, I am plotting my course; this ship is destined for peaceful waters, no matter what storms may come.