Boundaries Part 2.5: Letting Go ...

I think I should start collecting an advertising fee from Michael McLean, since I keep sharing his lyrics on my blog. His songs speak so directly to what I have been reading and writing about recently. In high school, after buying the books of his sheet music, I would gather with friends or family around a piano and sing them over and over. I miss that.


"Let It Go"
Words and music by John Batdorf and Michael McLean

(to purchase this song, click here)

I can still recall the hour
my father told me it was time
to let it go.
Though it's mended wing had made it sing
He said the bird I cared for was not really mine,
Let it go.

"Letting go," he said, "seems to break your heart.
Though it will heal it feels slow to start."
Though the pain burned within me so,
He held me tight so I could let it go.

Years have passed since then,
And so has he, but I still hear his words,
"Let it go."
There's so much of life that can't be lived
When you're still holding on to hate and anger deep inside.
Let it go.

Letting go opens up the heart.
There is a new day hungry to start.
You can't change what has hurt you so,
But you will heal if you can let it go.

All that's wrong in your life
Let it go.
All that is worth saving is love.
Love will hold you tight,
Love lifts the burden,
And love shines the light.
Only love nourishes us so;
If it's not love, simply let it go.

Boundaries Part II: Boundary Origination

Realizing I have dysfunctional boundaries in my relationships is only the first of many steps to building better boundaries. I must also reflect on why my boundaries have become so blurry. Cloud and Townsend (1992) propose “[your] family of origin has the power to affect [your] new family in a trickle-down effect” (p.124). Trickle-down doesn’t create pleasant imagery for me … I envision tears trickling down a devastated cheek, snot trickling down my son’s upper lip, or human waste trickling down the sewer line. I know, I’ve got a disturbed imagination. However, I think that for families with negative and problematic boundaries, those images are perfect – since this kind of crap runs in the genes (or jeans).

There are many different dysfunctional family boundaries or types of boundary problems that may permeate our relationships. In fact, the troubled attitudes we learn while growing up often continue into our adult associations, such as:

§  lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior

§  lack of confrontation

§  lack of limits

§  taking responsibility for others instead of yourself

§  giving out of compulsion and resentment, envy, passivity, and secrecy (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p.131)

There are multiple boundary problems I can see continuing from my family of origin. I have nearly been married and living away from my family of origin as long as I lived within it. Regardless of time and distance, “These patterns are not new; they have just never been confronted and repented of. These patterns run deep. Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth” (p.131).

It’s hard to say what a dysfunctional family is. Outsiders (and some insiders) might say my family was dysfunctional. Not knowing any better, I thought we functioned just fine. In retrospect, it seems there were some deep seated boundary issues that my parents both brought to the family function table and when those issues co-mingled they created new boundary issues.

There are many different types of dysfunctional family boundaries, but one boundary problem my family of origin and family of marriage both suffer from is triangulation. “It goes something like this: Person A is angry at Person B. Person A does not tell Person B. Person A calls Person C and gripes about Person B. Person C enjoys Person A’s confidence and listens whenever A wants to play the triangle game. By this time, Person B, feeling lonely, calls C, and, in passing, mentions the conflict with A. Person C becomes the confidant of B as well as A. Persons A and B have not resolved their conflict, and C has two ‘friends.’ Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily” (p.127-128). So many hurt feelings and unresolved issues have continued year after year due to this boundary issue.

I have contributed to triangulation with various family members as both person A and C, something I now realize with much regret. I have also been an unwitting person B over the years, something I also realize with much disappointment. A couple of months ago, I discovered that two very close family members have spent countless hours venting to other family members, instead of speaking directly to me about their anger or hurt feelings. In one instance, over the last fifteen years, this became a situation of secrecy and, therefore, feigned affection. “What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery” (p.128). To know that person C, whom I loved and trusted, was listening to gossip about me without ever asking my side of the story, has been intensely disheartening. To know that person A, whom I loved and trusted, was gossiping about me to other family members (and friends), passively refusing to discuss things directly with me, has compounded some of the most incredible personal pain I have had to bear.

In the second instance, family member C felt compelled to tell me the negative gossip family member A was saying about me, perhaps hoping that I would be driven to repair the damaged relationship I was not supposed to know about or simply to lift the burden being born by knowing unwanted information. “Gossip gets between people. It affects our opinions of the people being gossiped about … Many times what we hear from a third person is inaccurate” (p.128).

Finding out about both of these situations has made me take a hard look at these relationships. How I wish that person C in both cases would have told person A to stop talking about me to them. How I wish that person C in both cases would have told person A to talk to me instead. “A simple way to avoid triangulation is to always talk to the person with whom you have a conflict first. Work it out with her, and only if she denies the problem, talk to someone else to get insight about how to resolve it, not to gossip and to bleed off anger [or to receive validation]. Then you both go to talk to her together to try to solve the problem. Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself” (p.129). I wish I had been given a chance to join the original conversation; perhaps a resolution could have been reached. Now, I will never know, and it seems these relationships are probably beyond repair.

However, identifying what my boundary issues are is still not enough; I must examine why I have failed to recognize and set appropriate personal boundaries for so long. For most, false motives keep us from setting boundaries. These false motives can come in the following attitudes:

1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. …

2. Fear of others’ anger. Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them.

3. Fear of loneliness. Some people give in to others because they feel that that will “win” love and end their loneliness.

4. Fear of losing the “good me” inside. … Many people cannot say, “I love you and I do not want to do that.” Such a statement does not make sense to them. They think that to love means to always say yes.

5. Guilt. Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.

6. Payback. Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. …

7. Approval. Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be “well pleased.”

8. Overidentification with the other’s loss. Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a no, they “feel” the other person’s sadness to the nth degree. They can’t stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply. (p.91-92)

At one time or another I have employed these false motives in justifying my blurred boundaries. Even now, I seek the approval of others. I have described myself as a puppy, who you can kick around, but as soon as you offer me a “good girl” or give me a metaphorical pat on the head I am right back at your heel, licking the foot that kicked me. That goes along with first three false motives, as well: Fear of loss of love, or abandonment, Fear of others’ anger, and Fear of loneliness. These are not reasons to compromise my self-worth or modify my integrity, yet I manage to make choices that look more like desperation than deliberation.

For some people, boundary issues can stem from tragic life experiences. These “specific traumas can injure boundary development. A trauma is an intensely painful emotional experience, rather than a character pattern. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are traumatic. Accidents and debilitating illnesses are traumatic. Severe losses such as the death of a parent, divorce, or extreme financial hardship are also traumatic. … A trauma can affect boundary development because it shakes up two necessary foundations to children’s growth: 1. The world is reasonably safe. 2. They have control over their lives. Children who undergo trauma feel these foundations shaken up. They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in any danger that approaches them” (p.80-81). While I have suffered minimally in regards to these traumas, I have seen the boundary devastation for friends and family members who have had such extremely tragic experiences. For them, my heart breaks, because to begin to mend these broken boundaries they have a steep road to travel.

Insomuch that their suffering has affected the relationship we share, I have found it difficult for me to find peace. I have become bitter toward those who were their abusers, seeking to blame and hoping for severe punishment. In fact, I recently posted a personal rant in this regard on my Facebook status. Sadly, in my attempt to vilify another, I became the villain. In seeing someone else as a monster, I became both ugly and monstrous. Didn't Christ teach us to love and forgive everyone? If those who suffered the abuse can forgive, why shouldn't I? For most people the concept of forgiveness is to pardon another their trespasses, to wave a debt which they are owed, or to even forget how they have been wronged. However, Warner (2001) would suggest "forgiveness consists not of forgetting what happened, but of repenting of unforgiving feelings about what happened, and if possible seek forgiveness" (p.296).

In the book Bonds that Make Us Free, Warner (2001) discusses his work with two women whose boundaries had been destroyed because of the sexual abuse they suffered as children, Ellie by her father and Margaret by her mother. Each woman struggled with the desire to forgive her parent, but had found little success in the attempt to pardon the abuser. Ultimately, Warner suggested that instead of trying to forgive the abuser, she should ask her parent for forgiveness. When I first read this, my brain did a double-take. What?! Why would the victim need to ask the perpetrator for forgiveness? He continued, explaining that each woman needed to be forgiven for the destructive and negative feelings each had felt toward her respective parent. So often we justify our negative emotions, we nurture them in ourselves and others, we tell people they have every right to be angry and disgusted. However, it was only through asking to be forgiven that both Ellie and Margaret found the peace for which they had been searching, it was only at this point that they were able to release the awful pain they had been clinging to for all those years (p.296-300).

"Some people think that forgiving abusers means minimizing the offense committed and letting them get away with it ... This isn't true. Abusers suffer quite independently of being resented. They harbor wretched, hateful feelings, and if they one day admit to what they've done, they will also suffer exquisite guilt and sorrow. Our resentment cannot increase their torment; it harms only ourselves" (Warner, 2001, p.301). I can see how the saying that not forgiving is like drinking a poison and hoping for someone else to die. The negative emotions we wrap around our injuries (perceived or real) only insulate us from the healing peace of letting go.

And, letting go -- of hurts, disappointments, mistakes, and negative boundaries of origin -- will help free us to form healthier, more functional boundaries in the future.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

"Brene Brown studies human connection -- our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity."

Can I help?

Last night, on my way to teach a night class at a local university, I stopped by a drinking fountain to refill my water bottle. I had my reminiscent-of-a-diaper-bag purse hanging from one shoulder, my binder of teaching materials bundled in my other arm, my cell phone clenched between my ear and shoulder, and my hip pushing against the dispenser button, as I leaned and stooped to avoid dropping both my purse and my phone. Strategically, I held the water bottle at the precise angle, hoping to catch at least half of the water spraying in its direction. The call had ended; still I was stuck in the position.

From my left, I heard, “Can I help?”

I couldn’t even turn to see who had said it, for fear of dropping my phone, though the voice was decidedly female. For a nanosecond I looked at everything I was simultaneously holding and doing. I thought of handing her my binder or setting down my purse. Then, I glanced at my water bottle, which was nearly as full as I could get it, at least at the awkward angle. “What was the point?” I figured.

“Oh, gosh, no, I’ve got it.” I straightened my body, but my head was still pressed against the cell phone on my shoulder.

“Are you sure?” she queried, walking slowly toward me.

I tightened the lid on the bottle, let the phone drop from my shoulder to my hand, and slipped it into my coat pocket.

“No, I’m good. Thanks for offering though.” I smiled, realizing I must have looked like I was in a circus balancing act, about to lose my grip on everything.

And, then it struck me. Over the past few days, I had received texts and phone calls from at least eight different people, co-workers, friends, neighbors, church members, and family who had asked almost the same thing: “What can I do to help?” Undoubtedly, to them I must look like I am in a circus balancing act, about to lose my grip on everything. And, I probably am.

It’s not that I don’t need help, it’s not that I don’t want help, it’s just that when I’m in the middle of my juggling act, I’m not sure what to hand over to someone else or I think I can just deal with it. I am definitely not good at accepting help and I’m even less good at asking for it. Intellectually, I know that having help does not mean I am incapable or weak, but I don’t want to be a burden to anyone or to have people feel sorry for me.

In Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend (1992) state: “Many times others have ‘burdens’ that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ. … On the other hand … everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry. These things are our own particular ‘load’ that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out. No one can do certain things for us” (p.30).

Cloud and Townsend (1992) clarify this concept further, by differentiating between the terms burden and load:

The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens,” or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down. These burdens are like boulders. … We need help with the boulders—those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives. In contrast, the Greek word for load means “cargo,” or “the burden of daily toil.” This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even thought it takes effort. Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility. (p.30-31)

I know I am the only one who can make my decisions, feel my pain, learn from my life experiences, and ultimately find joy. Does that mean I cannot allow a friend to lift my spirits, provide me food for thought and food for my family, or offer me comfort? No. However, when I am in the process of trying to carry a crushing boulder, it is difficult for me to know what I need to do, let alone tell others how they can help.

My patent answer lately is, “Just pray.” Who couldn’t use a few extra pleas to God on their behalf? And I certainly have felt the sustaining power of those who have prayed, asked others to pray, and meditated for my family and for me.

A couple of days ago, the boulder I carry was nearly unbearable, and as I sat at my desk during my preparation period the disillusionment and depression became more than I could stand. I began to sob. Another teacher happened to walk in to check on me and, seeing my distress, took action to gather a team of “boulder bearers.” Within minutes, she had arranged for several colleagues to teach my remaining classes and ordered me, as sweetly as she could, to “go home.” That evening, with the contributions from another friend, she provided dinner for my family and sat with me for an hour, laughing and chatting about politics and Facebook foibles.

This was one of several recent supportive arms, reaching to help me carry my burdens. How blessed I am to be surrounded by loving and supportive people. Perhaps, the miracle I have been praying for has instead come in the form of an angelic army of loyal loved ones.

Galatians 6:2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Boundaries Part 1.5: Which Part Is Mine?

Another song has been haunting me as I read and study the concept of boundaries. It speaks so much to how I feel and the struggles I have faced. I thought I would share: sharing is caring.  

"Which Part Is Mine?"
words and music by Michael McLean

from Tender Mercies
(to purchase or listen to a sample of this song, click here)

She was only a dairy man's daughter,
she was only a child of thirteen;
but the stars on the radio brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend Jenny
'cause she thought they would make quite a pair,
She said, "Let's you and me, try to sing harmony
at the amateur night at the fair."

But she only had the range of an alto,
so the part she knew best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano
they'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say,

"Which part is mine?
and Jen, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time;
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
So please help me learn which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

She grew up and got married to Bobby
kept him working on his MBA
they had two little redheaded children,
and one on the way.

Everybody said she could work wonders,
and she wondered what everyone meant.
She played so many roles, it was taking its toll
and she feared that her time was misspent.

So she opened her heart to her husband.
They discussed everything on her list.
from the kids, to the job,
to her feelings for her Bob.
But what it really boiled down to was this: She said:

"Which part is mine?
and Bob, which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time;
I guess I'm not sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before
if we just define which part is mine,
and which part is yours."

Every sleepless night knows many mothers
who are wond'ring if they have done alright.
And the dairyman's daughter knew
more than a few of those nights.

Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
to prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens
and she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed
that her kids would be saved had a very familiar refrain.

Which part is mine?
And God, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.

And I won't cross the line
like I have before.
But it gets so confusing some times.
Should I do more, or trust the divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine,
and which part is yours.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
and to feel you near me.
It's all the answer
that I've been longing for.

Did you hear me?
I can feel you near me.
It is the answer
that I've been longing for;

just to know you hear me,
       after I've done my best,
and to feel you near me.
       I know you'll do the rest.
It is the answer that I've been longing for!

* * * * * * * * * *

Truly, that is what I have been longing for also: to know He hears my pleadings, to feel His comforting spirit and love, to know that after I've done all I can and should do He will take care of the deficit. I'm getting there ... "baby steps."

Boundaries Part I: My Broken Boundaries

Admittedly, telling people, “no” is a skill I have not yet mastered. I have no problem telling my children “no,” but even my youngest has learned that no usually means maybe and maybe generally means yes. Even when I do tell people “no” I struggle with unbearable feelings of guilt.

I recently told a friend I could not help her out with a situation. She said she understood, but proceeded to post on Facebook that she was frustrated that no one ever returned favors, and then she conveniently couldn’t attend an event in my home that evening. I felt horrible and knew I needed to reciprocate the favors she had done for my family in the past, but, despite the guilt and obligatory attitude, I couldn’t compel myself to give up my one day off, cancel the plans I had made, especially when I was going through a particularly devastating personal crisis (which she knew about). Her reaction and public passive-aggressive retaliation hurt, and I had to fight the feelings of frustration, anger, and how-dare-she-ness.

Had I betrayed myself in reacting defensively to her hurt feelings? Probably. Had I betrayed myself when I hadn’t agreed to help her out, justifying myself with a myriad of excuses? Perhaps. Am I acting no better than she did by posting about this on my blog? Possibly.

Considering this situation (and several other recent relationship issues), the following questions come to my mind: Why should I have to make excuses for saying “no,” why should I do things only out of obligation, why should I feel guilty when I have valid reasons to say “no,” and from where did this fear of saying “no” originate?

In the book, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, Cloud and Townsend (1992) posit, “The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you. … No is a confrontational word. … we are to confront people we love, saying, ‘No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.’ The word no is also important in setting limits on abuse” (p.34). So, it stands to reason that if I have difficultly saying “the most basic boundary-setting word,” then I do not have boundaries or, at best, I have very weak boundaries.

“Words [such as ‘no’] let people know where you stand and thus give them a sense of the ‘edges’ that help identify you. … [It sends] a clear message about how you conduct relationships and lets them know the ‘rules’ of your yard” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p.35). However, if I do not know how I want to conduct relationships, if I simply imitate the models of my childhood, or if I have not set the rules of my yard, I cannot send a clear message, and the “edges” of my identity are blurred.

Cloud and Townsend (1992) call this type of boundary conflict compliance. “Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they ‘melt’ into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. … Compliants are chameleons. ... The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship” (p.50-51).

But why do I (and so many others) struggle with telling people “no”?

Fear.

Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings,

Fear of abandonment and separateness,

A wish to be totally dependent on another,

Fear of someone else’s anger,

Fear of punishment,

Fear of being shamed,

Fear of being seen as bad or selfish,

Fear of being seen as unspiritual,

Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience.

“… This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. … When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into the inability to confront others … God wants us to be compliant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the outside and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p.51).

“Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry ... Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul. … If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation” (p.101).

So, motivated by fear and guilt, I spend much of my life saying “yes” externally, but feeling “no” internally, and the act, then, becomes either a sacrifice (rather than willing compassion) or, worse, an allowance of negative and evil to invade my life. Unfortunately, “an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance … In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no” (p.106).

Herein lies the paradox: I chronically fail to say “no” to those who bring negativity and destruction into my life, I regularly say "no" to those who desire to bring positivity and support into my life, I often say “yes” to people out of fear and then resent, and when I try to take control of my life and tell people “no” in appropriate circumstances I suffer from guilt and have to rationalize and justify my choice to actually set boundaries.

However, as Cloud and Townsend (1992) point out, “if we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not” (p.106). Again, this goes back to the idea of self-betrayal and living a lie. If I am unable to give an honest “no,” then my “yes” can never be believed or trusted.

Part of me needs to fully realize the truthfulness in the statement, “The only person you have control over is yourself.” Part of my fear in telling people “no” is the fear of how they may react. My friend’s reaction to my “no” only solidified this fear for me. However, “God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p.107). It seems those who hate my “no” the most are those who either lack boundaries themselves or who have little respect for others’ boundaries.

Therefore, “boundaries are a ‘litmus test’ for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance” (p.108). Cloud and Townsend (1992) suggest we try their “litmus test experiment” with our significant relationships, by actually building a boundary and telling them “no” in some appropriate area, saying we will “either come out with increased intimacy – or learn that there was very little to begin with” (p.108).

I found this “litmus test” to be true recently in a newly forming friendship. In the past, especially during the developing phase of a relationship, I would systematically say “yes” out of fear of rejection or not being liked. One morning, my new friend texted me and asked if I could do her a favor. She put no pressure on me, saying that if I couldn’t help, it was perfectly fine. The problem is she didn’t need to put any pressure on me, because I already put enough on myself for the both of us. I thought for a few minutes about what to do. Everything in me wanted to say “yes,” but I was in no position emotionally or spiritually to help her. Listening to my heart and not my fear, I told her I would love to help her, but I could not. I gave no excuse; she did not demand one. She only showed forth more compassion and empathy. Suddenly, I realized what it meant to have an honest friend, void of fear and feigned affection.

In so doing, I discovered what Cloud and Townsend describe as “the path to real love: [to] communicate your boundaries openly” (p.102).

My Boundary Goals:

• Stop saying "yes" out of obligation and fear.
• Stop saying "yes" to those who bring negativity and destructive behaviors into my life.
• Be direct and firm about my boundaries (as opposed to avoidant and mute).
• Start saying "no" without excuse or explanation or guilt.
• Start saying "yes" to those who offer me unconditional love, honesty, loyalty, and support.

Transformation

It’s not a stretch to say that Maxwell Maltz is the forefather of the self-help phenomenon. In 1960, he wrote Psycho-Cybernetics, where he discussed the mind-body connection and the attainment of goals. As a plastic surgeon, Maltz noticed that it took 21 days for amputees to stop feeling phantom pains and sensations from their missing limb. Eventually, he discovered this 21-day time frame was crucial for the brain to begin accepting new information and create new neuroconnections, the same process and time frame important for us to accept change (or at least to stop resisting change) in our lives ("Change of Habit").

If it takes 21 consecutive days for our brains to stop resisting change, how long does it take to actually effect change in our lives? According to several self-help websites, it takes 40 days to change a bad behavior, habit, or attitude into a good one (or to start a new behavior altogether), 90 days for that positive or new behavior to become a pattern in your life, 120 days for the behavior to become synonymous with who you are, and 1,000 days to master and refine this behavior (“Change of Habit”).

I think getting past the first 21 days is often the hardest. If someone truly wants to make a change in her life, she has several choices: resist the change, force the change, or “… get out the way” (tips her hat to Ludacris) because change is acomin’, like it or not.

I find it funny (sad and strange funny, not knee-slapping funny) that so many of us have desired change in our lives and almost pretended to try, for a few days, even a couple of weeks, but the inconsistency and lack of determination became symptoms of resistance. According to a popular yoga website, some of the signs of resistance are: “Complaining, gossiping, over-sleeping, an increase in bad habits like watching TV for too long or drinking alcohol, blaming, repeating the same conversations or story, recurring mistakes, use of generalized words like 'always' or 'never', and drama” (“Resist-change”).

I have made major changes in my life recently, some of which I have done well to make it past the 21 days, and others for which I have had to reset the 21-day clock multiple times. Despite the slippage, the phrase, “two steps forward, one step back” points out I am making progress … one step at a time.

One thing I have noticed, during the 21 days phase, is the initial enthusiasm (for most of the changes) provided the momentum to start. For other changes, I was dreading the process and. instead of enthusiasm. I had anger and frustration; however, this emotional energy also provided momentum.

When I was young, our half acre garden consisted entirely of rows and rows of corn (have you seen Children of  the Corn? Yeah, another story for another day). Every few days, my dad would wake us girls fairly early, as to avoid the summer heat, and tell us to “Get out there and hoe a row.” Begrudgingly, I would drag my sleepy body to the yellow shed out back, and grab a garden hoe. By the time I had finished yawning, the frustration had set in. Why can’t I sleep a few more hours? It’s summertime! Why do I have to work in the garden? I don’t even like corn! Ugh! I didn’t even want this stupid garden anyway! If he wants it, he should weed it! The diatribe flooded my mind like the muddy water rushing down the irrigation ditch alongside the field. By the time I found my way to my “row” I as fuming. Shaped out of selfishness and fostered by immaturity, my anger fueled my body, making me much faster at completing the chore. Even 20 years later, that same negative emotion has the powerful potential to propel me toward the end of whatever “row” I may have to “hoe.”

While getting past the resistance phase is important, the most rewarding phase is making it to the end of 40 days. The 40 days speaks success to me for several reasons, not simply because it is nearly double the initial 21 days, but because 40 is such a spiritually significant number.

There is instance after instance in the Bible where God provides opportunity for important changes in His people during a 40-day period (or 40 years, if they don’t quite get it, cough, the Israelites, cough).

When I think about Noah and the cleansing process during the 40 days and nights of rain (Gen 7:12), I think about my own life and the cleansing process I am going through as I implement changes during these 40 days.

When I think about Noah waiting 40 days to open the window of the Ark (Gen 8:6), I think of the figurative windows in my life that will be opened through this 40 day process.

When I think of the Egyptian embalming ritual, which takes 40 days to prepare the body for the afterlife (Gen 50:3), I think of these 40 days as preparation for my new life.

When I think of Moses on the mountain with God for 40 days (Exo 24:18, Exo 34:28-29, Deu 10:10), I think of myself praying, reading my scriptures, and communing with God during these 40 days, hopefully to come down from my mountain with more knowledge and peace.

When I think of Jonah warning the people of Nineveh they had 40 days to repent and be spared (Jonah 3:4 and 10), I think of myself repenting of my many flaws and making changes so that God will spare me and my family further sadness or pain.

And, when I think of Christ fasting for 40 days in the wilderness, while enduring Satan’s repeated temptations (Mat 3:17, Mat 4:1-2), I think of the temptations I have and will have to face during this process of giving up my bad habits, and the peace I will find because of 40 days of unwavering obedience.

As many of us are starting 2011 with New Year’s Resolutions, trying to break bad habits, begin new habits, or change our lives in some way, I want to challenge you (and myself) to do whatever it takes to make it through 21 consecutive days. Once we make it through the resisting phase, we can reset the goal to make it another 19 days to hit the 40 day mark, and by so doing we will find we have begun to transform our lives.

Websites Referenced:
http://www.kalavati.org/change-of-habit.html
http://www.kalavati.org/resist-change.html

Internalizing

The phrase “easier said than done” echoes regularly in my mind … most often after listening to or reading some sensible advice on how I should conduct my life or adjust my attitude. I get it, I really do. I understand intellectually what I should think and how I should act, but internalizing and embracing that concept is, well, easier said than done.

(I have been ridiculously good, however, at a different kind of internalization. Rather than deal with a conflict or express an emotion, I have kept it all in, guarding myself and my feelings from others. This speaks to what I’ve been reading on the concept of boundaries, and letting the bad out and the good in. But that topic is for a later blog post. For this post, I’m focusing on internalizing as in the adoption of beliefs or attitudes.)

A few weeks ago, we took the kids to dinner at our favorite local Chinese restaurant. To avoid fights and to give each of the boys the opportunity to have a voice in making family decisions, we allow them to take a turn choosing where we go out to eat. This particular night it was my eldest’s choice and luckily, regardless of the automatic groaning from his brothers, they all enjoy Chinese food.

Per custom, at the end of the meal, we each lifted our fortune cookies, broke them, and took a turn reading the random messages within. What happened next took me a bit by surprise and I didn’t know whether to laugh or to gag. My second son, after reading his fortune, promptly folded the slip of paper into a tiny square and popped it into his mouth.

“What are you doing?” I quizzed, a horrified look on my face.

“I’m making my fortune come true!” he pronounced, his smile beaming with confidence, “I’ll eat yours, too, if you want!”

Apparently, my sister’s sons (the oldest and therefore most influential cousins) had convinced my boys that if they wanted their fortunes to come true they must eat them.

This method of internalization, while unconventional, seemed to contain a kernel of wisdom: the faith, hope, and belief that if I take this information into my soul it will happen – it will come true. For me, what is it? It is the information, the words I am studying, the advice from people far wiser than myself. It is the change that will happen within my heart.

This experience reminded me of a similar concept I had read in The Continuous Atonement. Wilcox (2009) discusses the sacrament (or the Holy Communion, the Eucharist, the Lord’s Supper, the shewbread and wine, or whatever your church may call this rite) and the internalization, both literal and symbolic, that occurs with partaking of the sacred emblems (the bread and water, wine, or grape juice).  “For members of Christ’s church, the bread of the sacrament represents Christ’s body, the water His blood. But without us, those blessed emblems merely sit in trays. We must pick them up and put them inside. We must internalize Jesus’ offering. That’s how we thank Jesus for all He has done – by accepting His love, remembering His sacrifice, and applying His teachings and Atonement in our lives. Christ’s gifts are freely given, but they must also be freely received” (p.38).

So, just like the sacrament and just like my son’s Chinese fortune, I must put these things I am reading inside and make them a part of who I am. In the same way Wilcox (2009) admonishes me to accept, remember, and apply the Atonement, I must internalize the information I am studying by accepting, remembering, and applying that information.

I accept as I highlight passages that speak to me.

I remember as I analyze, write about, and share what I have gleaned.

I apply as I live each day, trying to do my best, challenging myself to do better, remembering I am not perfect, exercising faith, forgiving freely, finding hope in the future, crying less, smiling more, and “faking it ‘til I make it.”

And eventually, I hope, instead of thinking, “Easier said than done,” I can say, “I have done what I said and it has eased my mind.”